


Finding Father

by TiffanyF



Category: CSI: NY
Genre: M/M, eventual daddy kink
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-02
Updated: 2013-08-31
Packaged: 2017-11-27 23:48:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 24,967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/667863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TiffanyF/pseuds/TiffanyF
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>**SPOILERS SEASON 5 EPISODE 15 THE PARTY'S OVER**<br/>After the case Mac is worried about Adam and goes to visit him at his apartment. They start talking and then events take a twist that not even Mac had expected. KINK in later chapters. I don't own 'em and don't make any money from this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Mac had suspected that Adam was OCD on some level, but never thought that was the reason the young man's father bullied him. He wondered what the trigger was for Adam, but Mac wouldn't pry. He knew exactly how nervous the younger man was around him and really didn't want to make it any worse.

"Hey Stella, have you seen Adam?" Mac asked when he bumped into his friend in the hall.

"Yeah, he's gone for the day," Stella replied. "He really looked bad, Mac. He told me he was fine, but his eyes were telling me something else."

"Was he heading home?"

"I think so, why?"

"I wanted to tell him what a good job he did today," Mac said.

She smiled. "That's good, Mac, he doesn't hear that enough," Stella said. "See you tomorrow."

Mac chuckled to himself. There were days when he was convinced that Stella was on happy pills. It was a good idea though; Mac would just drop in and talk with Adam.  
********************

When Adam got home he put his things away and flopped down on the sofa. The case that day had really taken a lot out of him and re-awoken some very painful memories – memories that Adam really wanted to be able to forget forever. He covered his face with his hands and groaned softly, wondering how Danny and the others dealt with the cases once everything was done.

A knock at the door made Adam jump. He figured it was Stella coming to check on him to be sure he was really okay. There were days when it seemed like that woman could smell a lie. "Mac," he squeaked when he opened the door.

"You did a great job today, Adam," Mac said immediately, not wanting the young man to worry about why he was there. "But I'm a little worried about you. Can we talk?"

"Talk? Ah, sure, come in," Adam replied. "Do you want something to drink? Have you eaten? I was gonna order pizza, but if you want something else then we can..."

"Adam," Mac interrupted trying not to laugh, "we're not at work and I'm not here as your boss. I'm here as a concerned friend. Please, let's just talk for a minute, okay? Then we'll worry about dinner."

"I'm sorry, Mac, I don't know why I do that," Adam said as he sank onto the sofa. "I mean, I know why I do it, but I just can't help myself, you know?"

"It's because I make you nervous," Mac said. "Most likely because I'm about the same age as your father and you want to make sure I'm happy."

"How do you do it, Mac? How do you deal with seeing yourself in a suspect?"

"I normally go to the gym, jog or swim," Mac replied. "You need to find a way to deal with all the hard cases, not just the ones that you see yourself reflected in a suspect or a victim."

Adam shook his head and looked at his folded hands. "That could've been me in there today, Mac. That scared kid who thinks he's a freak because he has to do something or he just knows something bad is going to happen," he said. "Only I was lucky enough to have a teacher recognize what was happening to me and step in. She told me more or less what I told Jake today. Do you think maybe if he had known then things would've turned out differently?"

"I don't know, Adam," Mac said. "But you did make a difference with Jake today. You told him that he's not alone and he's not sick – he's not a freak. You reached out to help him."

"But it didn't change anything!" Adam protested. He could feel tears welling up in his eyes and blinked them back. "He still has to live with the knowledge that he killed his father. And he's still going to be processed through the system. He won't survive it, Mac. It'll kill him."

Mac scooted across and pulled the shaking young man into a hug. "I don't know if there's anything I can do, Adam," he said. "But I'll make some calls and see if we can get his sentence served at one of the children's' homes rather than one of the secure facilities. All we can do is try."

Rather than pulling away, Adam pressed closer and let the tears he'd been fighting since he'd processed his iPod fall. Mac just held him and rubbed his back until Adam was able to calm down again. "Sorry, Mac."

"Don't be sorry," Mac said. He brought his hand up and rubbed the back of Adam's neck. "We all need to let go."

"I just, I never really had anyone do that before," Adam said. He really didn't want to sit up, but knew that he probably should. It seemed wrong to almost be sitting in his male boss' lap. And he would move – just as soon as Mac's grip loosened a little.

"Adam, how many people have you let this close to you?" Mac asked softly.

"Not that many," Adam replied. "But you don't scare me now because I know you won't hurt me."

"But I scare you at work," Mac said.

"You're different at work," Adam whispered.

"Intensity can be a good thing," Mac smiled. "It let's you focus on the evidence in front of you."

"It also let's you scare your lab techs," Adam said softly. "Every day I go to work and I tell myself to be strong and do my job. And the resolve usually lasts until you storm into my lab with a folder in your hand. Then I want to just crawl under a rock and hide until my shift is over."

Mac pulled back just enough so he could look into Adam's eyes. "And yet you came out of the paper airplane case with flying colors."

"Are you teasing me?" 

"A little," Mac admitted. "Adam, at the end of the day remember this; the crime lab couldn't function as well as it does without you there. No matter how much I may yell, I need you there."

"Really?" Adam lit up.

"I promise." Mac knew it was a bad idea, but he couldn't help himself. He leaned forward and softly took Adam's mouth with his own.

Adam froze as lips touched his and just started to tease. He couldn't believe that Mac was kissing him and didn't know what to do.

"Hey, you can kick me out of here any time you want," Mac said softly. "Nothing that happens here will change anything at the lab, you know."

"My, my male boss just kissed me," Adam said. "How does this not change things?"

Mac kept a hold of the younger man so Adam couldn't run and started rubbing his back again. "Adam, I don't know where my feelings for you changed, but they have and I want to take care of you and love you – even if it just as a friend."

"And, um, if I want more."

"I'll give you whatever you want," Mac said. "And that includes space to think if you want it."

Adam swallowed hard and hid his face against Mac's neck. "Will you stay and hold me after a nightmare?"

"Do you have nightmares often?"

"Um, just after something triggers a memory."

"I'll stay and hold you all night," Mac said softly. "Maybe the demons haunting you will think twice about taking on a Marine."

Adam's laugh tickled Mac's neck and the older man smiled. He had a feeling that Adam really needed someone to care enough about him to look past all the walls the young man had up to see the real Adam Ross – and then love what was there.

"Do you still want pizza for supper, Adam?" Mac asked.

"Yeah," Adam replied. He pushed back and looked at Mac. "Is it wrong to want to cuddle?"

"Of course not," Mac said. He leaned up and kissed Adam's nose. "Go order supper and I'll show you how it's possible to eat and cuddle at the same time."


	2. Chapter 2

Once the pizza arrived, Mac helped Adam set out plates and got their drinks out to the living room. He’d told Adam that they could do whatever he normally did, not wanting to upset the younger man any more than he had been during the case. And Mac could tell that Adam was still jumpy and was trying to figure some things out for himself. “Come here, Adam,” Mac finally said from the sofa. “You need to eat.”

“I know, it’s just that, I don’t know, it’s like I can’t turn off my mind right now,” Adam said as he sank down onto the sofa next to Mac. “I keep seeing Jake in the interrogation room, the look in his eyes and I just know that could have been me.”

Mac pulled Adam in against him and wrapped the younger man into a hug. “It could have been,” he agreed softly. “But it wasn’t. You helped out the only way you knew how, you opened yourself up to some very painful memories in order to help someone else and that shows more courage than a lot of men ever do. You can’t go back on that now and starve yourself to death.”

“I don’t think missing one meal will could as starving myself,” Adam said with a small smile.

“I’d rather not risk it.” Mac kissed Adam’s cheek and pulled away to get their plates ready. “What did you want to watch while we’re eating?”

“Oh, anything, I’m not picky.”

“Adam.”

“Seriously. I normally just flip through channels until I find something that catches my eye,” Adam said with a small smile. He turned on the TV and started searching through the cable channels. “Tell me if you see something you like.”

Mac leaned back with their plates in hand, set one in Adam’s lap and took a bite of his pizza. Once Adam had settled on some show about Hitler and settled back, Mac wrapped an arm around him and pulled him in close. “Um, Mac, how do I eat when you have my right arm captured?”

“Like this.” Mac picked up a slice of pizza from Adam’s plate and held it to the younger man’s mouth. “Open up.”

Adam flushed red but did as Mac said. As he chewed he let his mind start wandering over where this new relationship with his boss could go, what he was looking for, and what, exactly, he wanted from it. The only thing he was sure of was that he wanted to be protected and taken care of. He liked the feeling of Mac’s arms around him, comforting him, and wanted to feel safe. But what else did he want. Part of Adam told him that he was missing one fairly large part of what was possible in this budding relationship with Mac, but he wasn’t sure what it was; at least, not yet. He knew that Mac wouldn’t have done anything to him, made a move like he did, if he didn’t feel something for him which made Adam feel more special than he’d felt in a long time.

The slice of pizza bumping his lips jarred Adam from his thoughts. “Sorry, Mac, I was thinking.”

“You’re not having second thoughts about this, are you?” Mac asked. He leaned over and licked some sauce off of Adam’s chin.

“No, I wouldn’t ever toy with you like that,” Adam said quickly. “I was just trying to figure out what else I wanted. I know I want to be taken care of, protected and loved, but it’s like there’s something else hanging just outside my reach and I can’t figure it out.”

Mac had, he knew more or less exactly what the younger man was looking for, but didn’t want to bring it up before Adam was able to work it out on his own. “Adam, let me tell you this much,” he said. “No matter what happens between us, what you want or need, nothing will drive me away from you. The only way things will ever end between us is if you tell me point blank to get out of your life. I don’t want you to be embarrassed about anything you want or need. You just need to tell me and I’ll do my best to help you with it.”

“Okay,” Adam said. He took another bite of pizza and glanced at the pop on the table. “Can I grab my drink?”

Mac grinned and let go, knowing that Adam would be able to hold the can in his left hand. Adam moved as quickly as he could so he wouldn’t be out of the warm arms for long. He’d never been held like Mac had him before, and he felt so safe that he really didn’t want to be away from it for long. He wondered if that was a dangerous thing to be thinking. It wasn’t like Mac would be able to follow him around at the lab, holding him all the time.

“Eat,” Mac said softly, holding up the second pizza slice, making Adam wonder when he’d finished the first.

“What’s going to happen at the lab?” Adam asked.

“We’ll continue to do things the way we always have,” Mac replied. “There’s a rule that I can’t date any of my CSIs, but with you primarily as lab staff, that rule doesn’t apply. I doubt the higher ups will be too thrilled if they find out, but there’s nothing they can do.”

“That doesn’t mean we can advertise it,” Adam said. “Think about what the reaction would be.”

“The team wouldn’t care,” Mac said. “There would be those who objected and I know that things would be hard on you. This is our secret until you make the choice to tell people. But I promise that Danny, Flack and Stella will figure out that there’s something go on. You know that.”

“Yeah, and I wouldn’t mind with them,” Adam said. He turned his head towards Mac. “Um, could you.”

Mac smiled at his young lover and leaned over, kissing him gently. He intentionally kept it light because they still had food and he didn’t want to make a mess. “I’ll show you more tonight,” he whispered against Adam’s lips. “We need to behave out here so we don’t spill.”

“Right,” Adam said. He knew he should feel silly being treated like a kid, but it made him feel safe and loved. And he really didn’t want to spend the evening cleaning up tomato sauce. The slice of pizza bumped his mouth again and he bit into it.

“Adam, I need you to tell me the truth about something,” Mac said. “I know you’ve told us that your father was a bully, but how bad was it?”

“Bad,” Adam said. “Mac, I’m already going to have nightmares tonight because of the case. Can I tell you about this another time? Please?”

“I won’t pry, but I need to know so I can help you,” Mac said. “I know you’ve been keeping things bottled up inside for a long time, Adam, and just talking about them will help you. Not only to heal, but with the nightmares as well. I learned that first hand.”

“The towers?”

“And Stella. She wouldn’t leave me alone once she found out that I was having trouble sleeping and was wandering the city all night,” Mac said. “She forced me to sit down and talk with her after a while, and it helped. It hurt like hell, but it helped.”

“She’s a force to be reckoned with at times, isn’t she?” Adam asked.

“She is, and that’s one reason I wanted to warn you about her,” Mac replied. “She’ll probably be the first one to figure out that we’re together. She’ll talk to us separately, you to make sure you’re okay and me to be sure I know what I’m doing. Then she’ll warn me not to hurt you and that will be that.”

“I can live with that,” Adam said. He moved to put his pop and both their empty plates on the table and curled up next to Mac again. Mac smiled softly and tugged until Adam was in his lap. “Uh, Mac?”

“It’s easier,” Mac said. He let Adam get settled and then wrapped his arms around his young lover. “Adam, what are your current boundaries in the bedroom?”

“I don’t have any because I’ve never really had anyone else there,” Adam said. 

“Then I’ll move slow, but you have to promise you’ll tell me if anything makes you feel uncomfortable,” Mac said. “For tonight I think I just want to get you as relaxed as possible so you can sleep without too much fear. I’ll be right there with you incase of a nightmare.”

“What do you want to do?”

Mac smiled and kissed Adam’s neck softly. “I’d like to start learning your body,” he said. “But if you’d rather stay dressed then I think that we can work something out. You’ll find that I’m fairly creative in the bedroom. And that’s a good thing.”

“I guess I’ve just never had anyone willing to see the real me before,” Adam said. He shifted around a little until he was straddling Mac’s hips and leaned in for another kiss. “Thank you for being willing to do that, Mac.”

“Adam, I’ve always known that you were special,” Mac said. He kissed Adam again, letting his tongue slide out for the first time. He pulled back when he felt Adam freeze. “It’s okay.”

“You just took me by surprise,” Adam said. He leaned back in and kissed Mac again. He focused more on the sensations running through his body than the physical things that Mac was doing to his mouth. He could feel that his body was starting to respond as well. “Mac.”

“Are you ready to try and go to bed, or do you want to stay out here for a while longer?” Mac asked.

“We need to clean up,” Adam said.

“Let’s do that, then,” Mac said. He kissed Adam again softly. “Then I want you to take a shower and go to bed. I’ll be there waiting for you.”


	3. Chapter 3

Adam stood in his shower, hot water cascading over his skin, and tried to figure out why he wasn't having a panic attack. Mac Taylor was in his bed. Mac Taylor was in his bed. Mac Taylor was in his bed. Mac Taylor was in his bed. It didn't seem to matter how he accented the sentence, it just either didn't seem real or he was just ready to accept it. Adam couldn't remember the last time he'd felt as safe and warm as he had when Mac was holding him. He was puzzled by the fact that Mac seemed to know what Adam wanted, even when he, himself, didn't. Well, other than to be safe and loved. Those were two things Adam never really remembered feeling, and he desperately wanted to. He wanted more of whatever Mac was offering. And, oddly enough, he trusted Mac not to hurt him, not to leave when things got tough. He hadn't known that he knew his boss that well, but maybe he did.

He turned off the water, dried off and changed into a pair of boxers and an older t-shirt. Adam normally slept in less, but he normally wasn't sharing his bed with another man. When even that thought didn't cause any nervous flutterings in his stomach, Adam shrugged and walked into the bedroom.

Mac had stripped down to his boxers and undershirt before sliding into Adam's bed. It wasn't much larger than a full, only just big enough for two people who didn't mind being very close. Mac knew that Adam only knew that he wanted someone to love him and make him feel safe. He couldn't help but wonder if, or even when, Adam would realize that the other thing he was looking for was a father figure. That Mac could be both was a bonus, but he also knew a few people who'd been so ashamed by their needs that they locked it away until it almost killed them. He really didn't think Adam was one of them, but Mac couldn't completely bury the thought that Adam would be really embarrassed or ashamed by called Mac "dad" or "daddy" in the bedroom.

When Mac started to explore the sexual subculture - for both personal and professional reasons - he encountered some who equated the daddy-kink with incest or repressed incestual desires. Mac had known then, and knew now, that with very, very few exceptions, people who searched for a daddy were those who yearned for someone to bring safety, security and stability to their life. And Adam fit into that group perfectly. Mac knew that once Adam felt comfortable in his skin, he'd be an even more remarkable man than he already was.

The real, not trick, but issue lay with the fact that Mac wanted Adam to realize what he was desiring on his own. Mac knew that he could simply tell Adam, but it would mean so much more to the younger man if he came to the feelings and desires himself.

He glanced over and saw Adam standing in the doorway. "Nervous?"

"A little," Adam replied. "I've never shared a bed before."

"Just pretend I'm a big pillow," Mac smiled holding out a hand. "One that can wrap around you and keep all your nightmares away."

"No one is that good, Mac," Adam said. He finally crawled under the covers and tried to get settled. "Um, so what happens now?"

"Well, we'll start with you telling me what you want for breakfast," Mac smiled. He propped his head up on a hand and looked down at his new lover. "And then I'll see if I can get you relaxed enough to sleep."

"I don't eat breakfast."

"Why not?"

"Because I was forced to as a child and I never wanted to, so I just eat lunch and dinner whenever I get a chance."

"Adam, that's really not healthy," Mac said. He shifted so he could run a hand through Adam's hair. "I'm not going to force you to eat, but would you be willing to try and nibble some toast tomorrow? If it doesn't settle, I won't push the issue again."

"I guess I can try," Adam said. "Do you really think you'll wake up before my alarm goes off?"

"Almost positive," Mac smiled. "My internal clock is a little warped, so I'm always awake early."

Adam sighed. "I wish I could do that, but I always seem to sleep through my alarm."

"I'll wake you up tomorrow, if you do," Mac said. "Although, depending on how much you actually sleep tonight, we might take the day off tomorrow. It wouldn't be good to have two half-asleep CSIs in the lab."

"Mac, you kinda sound like I always imagined a father would," Adam said. "The kind of dad I wished I could have, and knew I never would."

It was time for Mac to tread carefully. "Is that such a bad thing, Adam? I love you and want to take care of you however I can," he said.

"Nah, I already knew that's how you are," Adam said. "I've seen you at work. Do you know that some of the lab staff call you and Stella the parents of the crime lab?"

"I'd pay to see Stella's reaction to being called mom," Mac grinned. "I guess I don't mind being the dad, not if I can help the people I care about."

Adam laughed. "I'll remember to tell them that," he said. "Mac, I really don't feel sleepy."

"What would you have done if I hadn't come over?"

"Probably sat in front of the TV all night and tried not to think about the case," Adam replied. "And then drunk a ton of coffee before going to work so I could stay awake for my shift."

"Well, let me see if I can at least help you relax, if not sleep," Mac said. "I still want you to tell me if you don't like or are uncomfortable with anything I do."

"Okay, but you've been good so far."

"Good." Mac pushed up and moved over until he could kiss Adam without pinning the younger man. He wasn't really sure how Adam would react to the weight above him, or the feel of Mac's erection against him and really didn't want to freak Adam out.

Adam's mouth opened the first time Mac's tongue slid over it and Mac slowly took the invitation to slip inside. He spent time on Adam's lips, tracing and wetting them before moving forward and slipping his tongue over Adam's own.

It was an unusual sensation, but Adam's eyes fluttered closed and he could feel his body start to tingle as Mac's tongue slowly explored his mouth. Adam had a feeling that he was supposed to be doing something other than hanging onto Mac, but he really didn't know what. Mac's tongue nudged his and Adam got the idea, but couldn't help the awkward flutters that shot through him as he chased Mac's tongue with his own.

"No one's perfect at first, Adam," Mac whispered as he pressed kisses along Adam's jaw and neck. "But I plan to give you lots and lots of practice."

Adam shivered, both at the tone of voice and the fact that Mac's hand slipped under his shirt and was resting over his heart. "What now?"

"A little tactile recon," Mac smiled. "I think we'll keep our clothes on tonight, even if it means we'll both have to change before we go to sleep."

"Is there any way to keep things clean?"

That statement alone told Mac, more than any statement Adam had uttered all night, exactly how little experience the younger man actually had. "Moderately," he said with a kiss to Adam's neck. "I'll be right back."

Adam couldn't help but swallow nervously when he saw exactly how excited Mac was about the events in the bed - and all they'd done was kissed. He trusted Mac and the other man had said they'd keep their clothes on, but Adam just didn't know how it would work. Surely something was going to have to come off at some point.

"Here we go." Mac tossed a couple of towels on the bed and climbed back in. He caught the look on Adam's face and rested a calming hand on Adam's stomach. "Hey, I meant it when I said tell me if you want to stop."

"It's just that, well, I mean, I'm not and you're so..." Adam could feel himself blushing.

Mac stretched out and pulled Adam into a hug. "Adam, just because I've gotten hard from kissing you doesn't mean we have to do anything more," he said. "An erection will go away on it's own, in spite of what some men seem to think. We've obviously hit the edge of your safety zone for the night, so let's just do what we've been doing, or talk until you fall asleep."

"What about you?" Adam asked.

"I'll be close behind you, I promise," Mac replied. "But I also need to stay on nightmare guard."

"You're not planning to stay up all night, are you?"

"Shhh, of course not," Mac soothed. "I'm a light sleeper, so I'll wake up if you start having a nightmare and I'll wake you. But I'm thinking that once you're asleep, you'll stay asleep because you're not alone, and that can help more than you know."

"Do you ever wish you weren't an expert on nightmares, Mac?" Adam asked. He shifted around until his head was pillowed on Mac's chest and he could hear the older man's heartbeat.

"Of course I do, Adam, but I also wouldn't change anything about my past."

"Not even the Towers?"

"Claire shouldn't have died; none of them should," Mac said. "But I also know that Claire is happy that I've moved on. She would have loved you, Adam. Claire would've adopted you on the spot."

"Then that would've made you my dad."

"I'd have been honored to be your dad, Adam," Mac said. He kissed the top of Adam's head. "As honored as I am to be your lover."

"Even though we're moving so slowly?"

"Even then, because I know how special you are." Mac shifted an arm down around his lover's waist. "Try and sleep, Adam; tomorrow is another day."

"Yeah, I know."


	4. Chapter 4

Adam didn't want to wake up. He was warm and comfortable, but he could hear someone calling his name. "Nmghsh."

"Is that even a word?" Mac asked with a smile. "Come on, Adam, it's time to wake up and get ready for work."

"Time is it?"

"Around seven," Mac said. "I wanted to give us plenty of time to get ready and get to the lab. How do you feel?"

"Sleepy."

"You slept through the night with no nightmares, Adam. I wonder if maybe you overslept a little and that's why you're still sleepy."

Adam blinked and opened his eyes. He was using Mac's chest as a pillow and could feel one strong arm around him. "I never sleep through the night," he said.

"You did," Mac said. "Come on, up; you go shower and get ready and I'll make coffee and breakfast for myself. Are you still up to trying a piece of toast for me?"

"Yeah, but I don't think I'll be able to finish it," Adam said. He rolled onto his back and stretched. "Did I move at all?"

"Not that I felt," Mac said. "I'll see you in the kitchen, okay?" He kissed the tip of Adam's nose and slipped out of the bed.

Adam lay there for a minute longer, thinking. He couldn't remember the last time he'd slept so soundly that he didn't move around, didn't wake up at least once. Maybe Mac had been right, having him in the bed was enough to make Adam feel safe enough to sleep. With another yawn, Adam got up and headed into the shower. He was really too sleepy to think about anything overly complicated, but it wasn't hard to work out that Mac made him feel safe, and that was something Adam never really had. The only thing bothering him was the tone Mac kept using with him. It didn't sound like something Adam ever thought a lover would sound like. It sounded more like a parent coaxing their child to do something.

He froze and suddenly felt more awake than the shower could have made him. Adam had read about people who liked sex with older people, some sort of kink that involved parent play or something like that. There was no way that was what he wanted, was it? He made himself breathe through what felt like the start of a panic attack. He didn't know anything about what it entailed, nothing other than rumors that floated through the lab on occasion, and he knew that trusting rumors in the lab was one of the stupidest things he could do. Adam finished up his shower and went to get dressed. He could smell food cooking and, while it didn't turn his stomach, it didn't exactly make him feel hungry either.

"You okay?" Mac asked when Adam joined him in the kitchen.

"Yeah, I uh, I just realized something and it threw me for a bit of a loop," Adam replied. He moved over and wrapped his arms around Mac from behind. "Just something I need to research on my own and I'll let you know if I need anything."

"Okay, just let me know what you need," Mac said. "Are you going to be okay to work today?"

"Yeah, no problem," Adam said. He knew he could use the work computer to research sexual kinks and no one would think twice if they caught him at it. "Do you always eat oatmeal for breakfast? I didn't even know I had oatmeal."

"I found it in the back of the fridge," Mac said. "It hadn't turned green or started rotting, so it's still good. I made you toast with a little honey on it. Give it a try?"

"Sure," Adam said. He sat down at the small table and waited for Mac to join him with his own breakfast. "I didn't know I had bread and honey either."

Mac grinned. "I think tonight we need to take a firm inventory of your kitchen and make up a shopping list," he said. "I was over at Danny's place a couple of weeks ago and he had pickles that were trying to wage war on the lunch meat."

"How does that even happen?" Adam picked up the toast and took a bite, focusing on the story rather than what he was doing.

"I don't know. Danny said that the lunch meat deserved whatever the pickles wanted to throw at it," Mac said. "Something about it turning on the mustard and relish. I threw everything out and gave him money to get replacements. The last thing I want to do is try and explain to Stella, let alone anyone higher up in the department that one of my CSIs is sick because he ate the remains of a food war in his fridge."

"I've never seen Danny eat anything from home, it seems like he always has take-out or leftovers," Adam said. "Maybe he's running experiments at home and we just didn't realize it until now."

"That's possible, but at the same time, the meat wasn't spoiled or moldy, so I don't know what he meant by turned," Mac said. He finished his oatmeal and leaned back with his coffee mug in his hands. "How's your stomach?"

"Huh?" Adam looked at the plate in front of him. "When did I finish the toast?"

"Couple minutes ago," Mac said. "Adam, I want you to promise me something, okay?"

"Okay?"

"Whatever your research is, whatever you're thinking about, remember what I told you last night. Nothing you could want from me is going to drive me away from this." Mac stood to put his dishes in the sink. "I'm here for as long as you want me. Can you clean up while I shower and we'll head to work."

"Yeah, I can do that," Adam said. He caught Mac's hand and kissed him softly. "I'm still not sure what I want, Mac. I like having you here. You make me feel safe."

"Whatever you need, Adam, I'm right here," Mac said.


	5. Chapter 5

He didn't want to admit it, but Adam was frustrated. Every place he tried to look for information on sexual kinks with the subcategory of the parent or daddy kink took him to BDSM pages, and he knew that wasn't what he wanted. Adam didn't want to be controlled, he didn't want pain, he didn't want contracts or anything apart from a loving relationship. He felt like, deep down, there was something more to it all then what he was seeing on the internet.

"Hey, Adam, what's up?"

"Oh, hey Danny, I'm just trying to do some research, but I guess I don't have the right search terms," Adam replied, leaning back in his chair.

"Oh yeah, whatcha looking for, maybe I can help you out?" Danny sat down next to him and looked at the monitor. "You got a case you ain't telling us about, Adam?"

Adam could feel the blush starting and ducked his head. "Promise to keep it a secret?"

"Cross my heart," Danny said. "Come on, Adam, you know I ain't gonna tell no one nothing unless you tell me I can. What's going on?"

"I met someone, Danny, and the way they've been treating me made me think of a parent, what a parent could really be like, and that got me thinking that maybe that's what I wanted from the relationship," Adam said. "So I figured I'd search from here because no one would think twice about a search like this, but everything I'm finding is scaring me."

Danny nodded and leaned back in his chair. "I got a friend from school, he went through the same thing years ago. His partner ain't much older than him, but they fell into this dynamic and it just worked for them, y'know," he said. "Guy's more balanced now than I've ever seen him and they don't do anything that would technically fall into a BDSM relationship. I think most people think that sexual kinks fall into the dark areas of pain and humiliation, and that's a bogus attitude. People should be free to like what they like and not be judged because of it. This person of yours, they ain't gonna hurt you, right?"

"I don't think so, I mean, I trust them," Adam said. "Hell, Danny, you know how hard it is for me to sleep, right? Last night, I thought I'd be up until my body just shut down on me for a couple hours or I'd be living on coffee today. They stayed with me all night, just as my pillow, and I didn't wake up once. No nightmares, no fears, nothing. I was also able to eat breakfast for the first time without getting sick."

"Sounds to me like you want to keep that one," Danny grinned. "I'm guessing this is an older guy, yeah?"

"Yeah."

"No one 'round here cares," Danny said. "Besides, you know Mac, Stella and me would kill anyone who hurt you."

"I know," Adam said with a smile.

"Okay, so, you obviously like being held at night, so that's something to add to the positive side there." Danny picked up a piece of paper and drew a line down the center of it. "You're eating, that's another plus. What else?"

"He's not pressuring me," Adam said. "Last night, when he saw I wasn't comfortable with what he was doing, he stopped immediately and backed off. He says he'll still care for me no matter what I decide I want out of this relationship. He's stern, but he's nice about it. Does that make sense?"

Danny nodded and kept writing. "You ever decide you don't want this guy, you send him my way, yeah?" he grinned. "There ain't many men like this left in the world, Adam. You got lucky. So, you got any negatives you want to add on?"

"He's older," Adam said. "That's not a negative, but I'm worried it might remind me of my father."

"So we list that as a to be determined," Danny said. "You'll want to keep this list going for a couple of weeks, Adam. List out everything you can think of and then take it with you to talk with him. That way you both can see what's good and what isn't working for you."

"Do you think he'd be weirded out by all this?"

"I'd have to meet him to be able to tell you that," Danny pointed out. He handed Adam the paper. "But from what you're telling me, he seems to already have an idea that this is how things might be heading and he wants you to work it out on your own. Talking things out is never a bad thing, you know."

"Yeah, but it's also scary. What if I drive him off?"

"Do you really think that's gonna happen? He told you he'll care for you no matter what. Sounds to me like he's waiting for you to come talk with him."

"Guess I can try tonight. He's taking me shopping for food," Adam said.

"I repeat, you ever don't want him, send him my way," Danny grinned. "Let me know if you need to talk, yeah? My friend might even be willing to meet up with you and let you know what his life is like."

"Thanks, Danny."

"Yeah, any time." Danny patted Adam on the shoulder and headed back towards the trace lab. He paused outside Mac's office, debated for a minute and then went up and tapped on the door. 

"What can I do for you, Danny?" Mac asked.

"You ever hurt Adam, you and me are gonna talk, Mac," Danny replied.

Mac bit his lip, trying not to laugh. "What gave it away?" he asked.

"You're taking him shopping for food. I don't know many guys that nice, Mac. He's got questions, but I think you know what he wants to talk about, don't you?"

"I have an idea, yes," Mac said. "Thanks for watching out for him, Danny. I really appreciate it."

"You know me, Mac. I watch my friends," Danny said. "You know Stella's gonna be after you too, yeah?"

"I'm actually waiting for her to figure it out. Don't give her any hints, Danny."

"You need a hobby or something," Danny said. "My lips are sealed."


	6. Chapter 6

"Adam, how would you feel about me cooking dinner for you at my place tonight?" Mac asked as they were walking out of the lab.

"Uhm, sure," Adam said. "I thought we were going shopping."

"We will, but I want to eat first," Mac said. "It'll also let me grab a few things if you'd like me to stay on nightmare guard again."

"I'd like that a lot, Mac, but I really don't want to put you out," Adam said. "If you have other plans or need to do something then I'm sure I'll be fine."

"Adam, hush," Mac smiled. "You're not putting me out at all. Come on, let's go get something to eat, let me pack a bag and we'll see about getting you some food."

He couldn't help it. Adam felt the warmth flow through him again when Mac started sounding less like a boyfriend would and more like a parent. He'd spent a little more time on the list that Danny told him it was a good idea to keep, but no matter how Adam tried, he couldn't find anything really negative about Mac. The man's focus, his dedication, his large heart and even him scaring Adam at the lab weren't bad things. They were just parts of what made the man someone Adam thought he'd be fully in love with before too much more time passed. He knew he needed to talk with Mac about what he was feeling, he just wasn't sure how to start the conversation. It would sound really weird to just out and ask Mac if he knew anything about the daddy kink.

"Come on in," Mac said. He tried not to smile when Adam blinked a few times. The younger man had been quiet for the trip to Mac's apartment and Mac hoped that meant Adam was thinking and not freaking out. "Go ahead and get yourself something to drink, I'm going to change out of my suit and then we can negotiate dinner."

"Okay." Adam wandered into the kitchen and wasn't surprised to find it was orderly and spotless. That was just how Mac was. He dug out a bottle of water and sat down at the table.

"So, Danny figured us out today," Mac said as he came back into the room wearing jeans and a Marine t-shirt.

"He did?"

"Yep. He poked his head in and told me if I hurt you then he and I would be talking," Mac grinned. "I'm impressed. I really thought that Stella would be the first one to work it out."

"I might have given him a hint or two," Adam said. "Danny caught me doing research on one of the lab computers today and was asking me questions. I guess talking about your virtues was enough to clue him in. I didn't mean to, but I felt better after talking with him."

"It's fine, Adam. He was totally fine with the idea, he just wanted to let me know that he knew and that he'll hurt me if I hurt you," Mac said. "What would you like for dinner?"

"Uhm, what have you got?" Adam asked.

"I can make mac and cheese, hamburgers, or just pasta," Mac replied. "I've got chicken, but it's an ice brick at the moment."

Adam laughed. "Hamburgers sound good," he said. "Anything I can do to help?"

"Yeah, go ahead and dig out the onions, pickles, lettuce and anything else you might want on your burger and wash the lettuce," Mac said. "I'll make us a salad to go along with these once I have the meat grilling."

"Okay." Adam pulled the various items out of the fridge and grabbed the buns and butter without being asked. "Mac, do you mind if I ask you something?"

"Of course not," Mac said. "What's on your mind?"

"It's well, it's complicated and I tried to do some research today, but I kept ending up on web pages and forums that just scared me," Adam said. "Do you know there are times you sound more like a father than a friend or a boyfriend?"

Mac tried not to smile and let on he'd know the whole time. "Does it make you uncomfortable, Adam?"

"No, not like that," Adam said. "It actually makes me feel really kinda warm and happy inside. You know my father was a bully so I never realized that having someone take care of me would make me feel so loved. So I thought that maybe this was what I'd been hearing about when people talked about having a daddy in a sexual relationship, but I tried to research that today and all I found were BDSM pages and that's not what I want."

"You found age play, Adam," Mac said. "The daddy sexual kink does fall in there, but there are degrees of it and you don't have to go deeply into subculture unless you want to. My advice, had I known, would have been to stay away from computer searches and talked to people who understand the gradients of the kink."

"I don't think I could," Adam admitted. He went back to the fridge and dug out the salad makings without being asked. "It's embarrassing enough to think that I want even some sort of control in my life. I mean, I'm a grown man, shouldn't I be able to do this stuff on my own?"

"Adam, listen to me," Mac said. "I've explored the subcultures, professionally and personally, and I realized yesterday that you liked it when I was a little firmer with you. I wanted to let you come to this conclusion on your own and I'm sorry if doing that let you be scared in any way. I'm guessing that Danny told you about his friend Terry?"

"He didn't tell me a name, but he said he had a friend who was in a relationship that had a bit of the kink attached to it."

"Yeah, that's Terry. He just needed someone to take care of him," Mac said. "He was okay taking care of himself, but he didn't always eat and had problems sleeping. Kind of like you do, but for different reasons. I think, and this is only opinion, that you're looking for someone to make some of the small decisions so you don't have to worry about them."

"Maybe," Adam said. "I mean, I like being able to make m own decisions, but like last night when you told me to shower and then go to bed. I really liked that. I liked you waking me up and getting me into the shower."

Mac turned the hamburgers and looked back at Adam. "Is this something you want to explore a little more?" he asked. "It's possible this is less daddy kink and more a military fetish. That's not a bad thing," he added when he caught the look on Adam's face. 

"I guess the term just threw me," Adam said.

"I'm not even sure that's the right way to phrase it," Mac said. "I was switching between fatherly and drill sergeant last night, although I wasn't ever a drill sergeant."

Adam grinned. He put the finished salad on the table and went to look for toppings for everything. "Marine is scary enough," he said. "Is it true they train you to kill in like a thousand ways?"

"Possibly," Mac laughed. "Although I think that number is from a movie rather than real life." He brought the food to the table. "Adam, let me tell you what I'm seeing here. Between last night and tonight, you're settled and relaxed. You've smiled more since we left work than I think I've ever seen you smile and you're able to anticipate what we need without asking me if it's okay to do something, even though we're in my kitchen. I will be whatever you need me to be for you. I promised you that this morning and will continue to make that promise every day."

"Can we talk more about maybe structuring my life a little?" Adam asked, blushing. "I mean, away from the lab."

"If you want to," Mac said. "I think the most important things are as consistent bedtime as we can ever manage in our line of work, three meals a day when possible, two if we're busy with snacks to keep your blood sugar even, and helping you work through your nightmares. Can you think of anything else you want just off the top of your head?"

"Like I said, I liked it when you told me it was time to do things," Adam said. "I just don't want to be punished if I don't do something. That's what put me off the whole thing at the lab today."

Mac nodded. "I wouldn't punish you, Adam. There's too much of a risk of it triggering a flashback to your childhood and that's the last thing I want to do," he said. "How about we agree for me to use firm suggestions, but you take them as such. I won't order you to do anything away from the lab."

"I like that," Adam said. "I'm going to be picking at this, Mac. It's all so new to me."

"That's fine, Adam. Just promise me you'll ask me any questions you have so nothing builds up between us to cause major problems."

"I'll do my best," Adam said. "Danny said he might be able to arrange a time for me to meet his friend, Terry."

"That's a good idea. I think Terry would be able to answer a lot of your questions better than I would," Mac said. "I'm also not going to press you to do more in the bedroom than you want to, Adam. I just want to help you be able to learn your body and what feels good."

"Just be ready for me to be really jumpy," Adam said.

"I can do that," Mac smiled. "Eat up, we still have to go shopping."

Adam ducked his head with a smile and turned his focus to his food.


	7. Chapter 7

"Did you get the groceries put away?" Mac asked when Adam joined him back in the bedroom.

"Yeah, although I wasn't sure if your oatmeal was supposed to go in the fridge or not," Adam admitted. "I figured one night in there wouldn't hurt it if I was wrong. What have you been planning back here?"

"Will you let me touch you, Adam?"

Adam sat down on the bed and looked at Mac. "Touch me how?" he asked.

"Non-sexually to start with, or only that if you get uncomfortable," Mac replied. He sat down next to Adam. "I want to get you accustomed o being touched. I'm guessing that's something you didn't have much of growing up and, once you're sure I'm not going to hurt you, you'll find this helps you feel better."

"I know you're not going to hurt me," Adam said.

"You know it here." Mac tapped Adam's head gently. "But here," he tapped Adam's heart, "is telling you something different, even if you don't realize it. I just want to touch you and let you know that you're loved. Be able to show you that being touched is a good thing."

"Go ahead," Adam said. "I'll tell you if something makes me feel uncomfortable."

Mac took Adam's left hand in both of his and started to massage it gently. "After the bombing I went through a period of time when I couldn't stand to have anyone close to me," he said. "It wasn't a big deal, almost every soldier posted was having PTSD symptoms of some sort and the base was working with all of us. When I came back, I remember Claire tried to hug me and I couldn't hug her back. She maintained that I didn't hurt her feelings when I did that, but I think I did." He slowly ran his hands up along Adam's arm and shoulder, cupping Adam's neck and massaging gently. "I completed my required therapy sessions, but it was still months after that before I was able to let anyone touch me again. I think that it was a combination of shock, of watching a friend die in my arms, and fear."

"I didn't know Marines could feel fear," Adam said softly. He groaned when Mac started to massage the back of his skull gently. "Okay, you could just do that for the rest of the night and I'd be happy."

"Everyone feels fear, Adam," Mac said. He used his free hand to start the same path up Adam's other arm. "I think Marines are just trained to hide it until we're alone or with people we trust. You'd have to send machines into battle to eliminate fear. I'd rather eliminate wars, but given human nature, that's never going to happen. Claire was a very tactile woman. She loved to hug, to cuddle, and I know I was a challenge to her on that one so many times. I think she'd already have you longing for her special hugs though."

"Wish I could have met her," Adam said.

"She was a remarkable woman," Mac said. He leaned forward and kissed Adam softly. "I used her as a shield for so many years after she died. I finally realized that I was dishonoring her memory rather than honoring it because she wouldn't have wanted me to seal myself away, to hide from love. When you have a partner, you talk about what you want for the other if or when you die. It's easier to talk about than it is to do, but I know she wanted me to be happy. You, Adam, make me happy."

"Even if I'm not ready to fall into bed and want to be controlled a little?" Adam asked.

"Especially because of that," Mac said. "Adam, humans are individual beings. It's stupid to think that what works for one person is going to work for everyone else. We don't come out of a mold. Never be embarrassed because you need something that the mainstream beliefs tell you is wrong. Because it's what you need, it's right for you. Anyone who tells you you're wrong for wanting it is the one who is wrong because they are trying to force you to be someone you're not. Do you understand?"

Adam nodded. "Yeah. It sounds so simple when you put it like that."

"I wish it was that simple," Mac said. He slid his hands down Adam's back and worked one carefully under his t-shirt. "I wish that I could make this painless and easy for you, but all I can do is make it as easy as I can. I'll support you no matter what you want. I've said it and I'll keep saying it, I will do whatever you want."

"You said you've been in the subculture before," Adam said, back arching a little when Mac's fingers brushed over a nipple. "What prompted you to do that?"

"It was for work, originally. I wanted to know everything I could to make me a better officer and a better CSI, so I went out and visited clubs, read books, talked to people who lived the lifestyles every day and came to realize that the perceptions I had, based from books and movies, was wrong. There were doctors, lawyers, teachers, taxi drivers, people from every walk of life gathering together to be who they wanted to be." Mac slowly worked Adam's shirt off. "Many of them had to hide their desires when they weren't at the clubs because of their jobs, or their families, but they weren't ashamed of them. That's one thing I remember from early on; no one I talked to was embarrassed for what they wanted, and they were willing to teach if I was willing to learn."

"Take your shirt off too, please?" Adam asked.

Mac pulled back long enough to slip out of his t-shirt and dropped it on top of Adam's on the floor. "Most of what I tried once I found I didn't like, but there were some things I did like, and I learned so much from my time in the clubs that I've actually had people ask for me when they're arrested because they know that I'll understand what they're wearing under their suits, or that I can talk with their lawyer and explain things better to them. It's not a part of my job, but a number of people see me as an unofficial ambassador between the clubs and the police department."

Adam reached out and carefully touched the scar on Mac's chest. "Do you still go to the clubs?" he asked.

"Every couple of months, just to check in and see how people are doing," Mac replied. He slowly let a hand brush over the bulge that was starting to push at Adam's zipper. "They don't welcome on-shift cops, but as long as you're not working, if you're there to just be you, then they have no problems with you. I've made some good contacts there, and also some good friends."

"Do that again?" Adam asked.

"Lie down," Mac replied softly. He slowly and carefully let his fingers explore the still covered erection that was pushing for freedom. "There's been a couple of times when my contacts have brought me kids who have run away from home and ended up working either the street or trying to work in the clubs. It's not easy, being one of the few officers they'll talk to, but I wouldn't change it for anything."

"Mac, I feel warm," Adam said.

"Want to take your jeans off?" Mac asked.

"I dunno, maybe," Adam said. He arched up into Mac's touch. "I've never let anyone else touch me like this. It's more intense than I was expecting."

"Have you touched yourself?"

"Not really. My dad."

"Okay, shhhh, not talking about him," Mac said. "Want me to stop?"

"No, keep going," Adam said. He tried to relax into the touch and let his body do what it wanted. He knew, clinically anyway, what was going to happen, but he'd never felt it before and was a little nervous. Adam could feel something coiling up in his stomach, pressure building where he'd never felt pressure before and almost screamed when it all unwound on him.

"You okay?" Mac asked, leaning over so he could see Adam's face.

"Think so," Adam gasped, trying to get air. "Always like that?"

Mac smiled and kissed Adam's nose softly. "It can be, with the right partner. Go on and shower, Adam. I'll clean up in here and then we can go to bed."

"All right." Adam gathered up his courage and kissed Mac. "Thank you for understanding."


	8. Chapter 8

Mac wasn't sure of the best way to bring up Adam's father and everything that happened to Adam growing up. He'd been thrown a little the night before when Adam said his father had scared him off sexual exploration, but at the same time it made sense. Mac didn't know where Adam's mother was in the picture, if she'd died or left her abusive husband, but he hoped that if it was the latter, she would have cared enough to take Adam along with her. He was tempted to insist on counseling for Adam, but didn't know how that suggestion would go over.

With a sigh, Mac glanced at the clock and then down at the sleeping man in his arms. Adam had the day off from the lab, but Mac had to go in for the afternoon shift. He didn't think it would be possible for him to get out of bed without waking Adam up, and really wanted to let the man sleep as long as he could. Mac had a feeling that Adam was trying to catch up on the sleep he'd lost over the years, even thought he knew it wasn't really scientifically possible. He pressed a kiss to the top of Adam's head and slipped carefully from the bed, smiling when Adam just burrowed under the covers and stayed asleep. Normally Mac would go for a run or head in early to swim before his shift, but he planned to workout in the department gym after his shift was over, so he wasn't as worried about it. It was something he'd have to talk about with Adam as they deepened their relationship, letting him know if he woke up and Mac wasn't there, it was because he was out for a run and he'd be back for breakfast. Mac was determined to give Adam as much normalcy and consistency s was possible in their line of work. He figured that, more than anything would help Adam grow in their relationship, and in his professional life.

Adam woke up when he heard the shower turn on and sighed. The bed was still warm so he knew Mac hadn't been gone long, but he'd been hoping to be able to spend some time with Mac before they had to get up for the day. Adam was a night owl by nature, and it seemed that Mac was a morning person, so that was going to be an interesting hurdle to work around.

"Hey, I didn't wake you up, did I?" Mac asked, coming back into the bedroom. He was in a pair of sweatpants and another Marine t-shirt.

"No, I heard the shower turn on," Adam replied. "You have to work today, don't you?"

"Half the afternoon shift to cover for Stella," Mac said. "She's in court today and I don't want to risk the lab being short if cases come in. If nothing else, I'll be able to get through some of my paperwork. How'd you sleep last night?"

"Good," Adam said. He sat up and stretched. "I don't know why having you with me makes me sleep better, Mac. What's going to happen when you can't stay the night, or you need to be at your place?"

"We'll have to see," Mac said. "I'm hoping that getting you onto a fairly normal schedule will help you sleep through the night if I have to be somewhere else, but Adam, that's going to take time. It's not going to be easy for you the first few times."

"Yeah, I know," Adam said. "I guess it's silly to worry about when you've got your own place and you'll want to be there."

Mac sat down on the bed and caught Adam's chin in his hand. "Look at me, Adam," he said. "I think that splitting our time between your apartment and mine is an idea that we should talk about. I'm not pushing for it because you're comfortable here and you need the time to adjust to the changes we're already making without adding in the stress of a strange bed in a strange apartment. When you're more settled, we can talk more about sleeping at my place a few nights a week."

"Are we ever going to move in together?" Adam asked.

"I'd like to, but that can't be your focus this early on," Mac replied. "Adam, you're relearning yourself and finding a balance that you probably thought was lost forever. Right now we both need to be focused on you and where this partnership is going to lead. In a few weeks, maybe a month, we can talk about evening the balance and organization. You haven't flinched when I touch you since that first night, and that's good, but we need to get you to the point where you can touch me back without hesitation."

"I hadn't thought of it like that," Adam said. 

"I know, and I know how new this all is for you," Mac said. He kissed Adam gently and let go of his chin. "Relationships are about balance, but I can take a few weeks of lavishing attention on you to get you settled without it straining what we have between us. When we're sure that you're doing better, that this is really what you want, then we'll get our balance and go forward together."

"It just doesn't seem fair that I get all the attention and you get nightmare duty and insecurity," Adam said. He shifted forward until he could lean up against Mac's chest. "I will admit to liking the cuddling though."

Mac smiled and pulled Adam into a hug. "I'm happy to be on nightmare duty because it means you're sleeping and healthy," he said. "It also means you're not drinking as much coffee at work, which in turn can only help you settle down at night. It's all a cycle, Adam. You know my motto at the lab?"

"One way or another everything's connected," Adam said.

"It applies in life too," Mac said. He shifted them so they were lying down, Adam in tight against Mac's chest. "When you sleep through the night you feel better in the morning so you're more likely to eat a little before you go into work. The breakfast gives you energy so you don't drink as much coffee during the day, which in turn keeps you calmer and makes you less nervous, and you don't have so much caffeine n your system that you can't sleep at night. I also think that sex, if and when we get there, will help you sleep better as well."

"I did feel sleepier last night than normal, and I really liked what you did," Adam admitted. "I was nervous when you started touching me, but the nerves went away when I realized you were feeling the same way I was."

"It'll take time, Adam, but we'll get there together," Mac said. He kissed the back of Adam's neck. "Everything we do, we do together. That's the main thing that will hold our relationship together."


	9. Chapter 9

Before Mac left for the lab, he made out a short list of things he wanted Adam to do with his day off, but stressed they were suggestions and Adam didn't have to finish everything on the list, or do any of it if he didn't want to. Adam took the list with a smile and kissed Mac carefully. He was finding that he wasn't as nervous about kissing the older man, but didn't know when he would be able to try for more. His hands still shook at the thought of that.

The list was pretty simple: clean the apartment, change the sheets on the bed, do laundry, eat lunch, go out and walk for half an hour in the afternoon. Adam agreed that the sheets needed to be changed, so he did that first and gathered the dirty ones up along with his clothes from the past few days and put them into the laundry basket. He debated Mac's things for a minute, but the only things he'd left dirty were t-shirts and sweats, and Adam knew he wouldn't hurt them, so he added them in, checked to make sure he had his key and headed to the basement to start a load of washing. When he got back to his apartment, he looked around and realized that it wasn't dirty so he didn't need to spend all day cleaning, but the floors could stand to be mopped and the shelves needed to be dusted. Adam grinned, knowing that Mac was trying to get him comfortable in his skin again, and put on some music to listen to while he swept and mopped.

A knock on the door half an hour later startled him and he turned with a small frown. "Adam, it's Danny. Can you hear me over that racket you call music?" Danny called from the other side of the door.

Adam opened the door with a smile. "This isn't a racket, Danny," he said. "This is quality. What's up?"

"I had an interview near here and thought I'd drop by and see if you wanted to go get lunch before I head back to work," Danny said. "You hungry?"

"Yeah, actually," Adam said. "I just have to grab my laundry, do you mind waiting five minutes while I go do that?"

"Nope, I'll be right here," Danny said. He flopped down on the sofa and picked up one of Adam's magazines. "Don't rush for me, Adam. Mac said I could have a break after the interview so long as nothing new came in."

"Cool, I'll be right back," Adam said.

Normally he would use the drier in the basement, but he didn't want to leave his things alone for any length of time while he was out with Danny, so Adam gathered up the damp things and headed back up to his apartment where he had a pair of wooden racks to dry clothes on. There were days when air dried things just made him happy. "So how busy is work?" he asked, shutting the door behind him.

"Not too bad," Danny said. "You need help?"

"That'd be great, thanks," Adam said.

"Mac's mainly been doing paperwork and letting the rest of us handle things as they come in," Danny said, shaking out a t-shirt before hanging it up to dry. "Montana and Hawkes caught a case down at the fish market. I dunno what it is about that place that causes so much crime, but at least it ain't me crawling around with the fish this time."

"I remember that one, death by swordfish," Adam said. He used the backs of a couple of chairs to hang up the sheets. "I wonder which one of them will be smelling like fish at the end of the day."

"Hawkes," Danny said. "They'd already come back in when I was getting ready to head out. I think he fried his nose years ago in medical school and nothing bothers him now. Ready?"

"Yeah, thanks for the help, Danny," Adam said. He grabbed his wallet, double checked his keys, and locked the door behind them. "I'll have to dust when I get home."

Danny grinned. "I saved you from the evil dust monster then," he said. "Come on, let's get something we can eat while we're walking."

"Did Mac tell you about the list or something, Danny?" Adam asked.

"He might have mentioned wanting you to get some sun today," Danny replied. "You want to go to the park?"

"Sure, why not," Adam said. "The walk will probably do us both good."  
***

"I talked with my friend, Terry," Danny said later in the afternoon. He and Adam were walking back to Adam's apartment after spending an hour in the park talking about video games and how they might be linking to crime. "He said that if you'd like, he'll be happy to meet up and talk."

"I think I might, yeah," Adam said. "As much as Mac isn't pushing me to do anything I'm not comfortable with, I know at the same time I'm not going to get comfortable with them until I know more. Does that make sense?"

"Yep," Danny said. "I'll give Terry a call tonight and see if he's free later in the week. When's your next day off?"

"Sunday, I think," Adam said. "I'll have to check the board first though."

Danny nodded. "I can check when I get back to the lab easy enough," he said. "Would you be more comfortable having Mac or me with you?"

"Would you mind being there?" Adam asked. "I mean, I know I should probably say Mac, but I don't want to make Terry uncomfortable and Mac's pretty intense."

"They know each other," Danny said. "I don't think it'd matter to Terry one way or another, but whatever makes you feel comfortable is what matters. Talk it over with Mac and if you want me there, I'm there."

Adam grinned. "Thanks, Danny."


	10. Chapter 10

"How was your day?" Mac asked when Adam let him into the apartment later on that night.

"Pretty uneventful except for the talk I had with Danny," Adam replied. He took the bag Mac held out and headed towards the sofa with it. "How was work?"

"I got my paperwork done," Mac smiled. He sat down next to Adam and opened his own bag. "I hope I got the sandwich right, it's been a while since I've been the one to call in an order for lunch at the lab."

Adam grinned and kissed Mac on the cheek. "I'm not picky," he said. "Anything is probably literally fine with me."

"So I could get you sardines and olives and you'd eat it?" Mac asked.

"Almost anything," Adam amended with a laugh. "Did Danny swing by and talk with you?"

"He mentioned that you are going to meet up with Terry this weekend," Mac said. 

"Does it bother you that I want Danny there instead of you?" Adam asked.

Mac wrapped an arm around Adam and smiled when the younger man burrowed in against him. "No, Adam, it doesn't," he said. "You're trying to figure out what you want from our relationship and, if Terry can help you do that, then you need to talk with him. If having Danny there rather than me makes it easier to talk to him, then take Danny with you. I know you'll tell me what you want me know when you're comfortable telling me about it."

"How can you be so relaxed about this all, Mac?" Adam asked.

"The biggest foundation for a relationship is trust, Adam," Mac replied. "In your case, you have to trust that I'm not going to hurt you. I know how nervous I make you at work and I'm trying to show you that my focus at work is on the case and not making you fear me. For me, in this relationship, I have to trust you to talk to me, to tell me if you don't like something or if something is bothering you."

"You're just so intense at work," Adam said. "It's like you have lasers in your eyes or something, but I think it's more fear of authority figures than it is fear of you."

"Your dad?"

"Yeah. He just, he didn't even try to understand, Mac," Adam said. "My mom died when I was young and I barely remember her, but I think I'll always remember my father standing over me with his belt in his hands."

Mac kissed the top of Adam's head. "He won't be able to hurt you again, Adam," he said. "I'll make sure of that."

"My hero," Adam said. "Seriously, Mac, I want to talk with Terry and find out the answers to a couple of things that are bothering me, that I just don't really understand and think he'll be able to answer."

"Take Danny with you," Mac said. "Besides, I'd be really surprised if Terry's partner doesn't tag along and sit at the bar of wherever you guys end up. I can always sit and talk with him for a bit if you want me close by."

"That'd be nice," Adam said. "Does Terry's partner go everywhere with him?"

"No, but when it comes to going out to eat or for a night in a club, they're always together," Mac said. "His name is Hank and they've been together for about seven years, if memory serves. I actually met Hank first, when I was learning about the clubs and he helped me figure out a few things. I remember when he met Terry. They're good for each other."

Adam laughed. "Was it awkward for you and Danny to find out you knew the same people but for different reasons?"

"No, it was awkward running into Danny at a fetish bar," Mac said. "This was after the whole mess at the lab and we were trying to get back onto a more even relationship at work. I think finding out his boss had a life away from the lab helped a lot."

"Oh, Mac, tell me you weren't in leather," Adam said.

"I might have been," Mac said with a cough. "Don't drop your sandwich, Adam. We don't want to have to spend the evening cleaning mayonnaise off the couch."

"I might like to see you in leather some day," Adam managed, putting his sandwich back on the wrapper in his lap.

"We can talk about it," Mac said. "Go on, eat your dinner. It's getting warm."


	11. Chapter 11

"Mac, I'm curious about something," Adam said later that night when they were curled up watching a program about dinosaurs on the History Chanel.

"What's that?"

"I like it when you touch me, although I'll admit that the idea of you touching anywhere you haven't already makes me really nervous," Adam said. "I love the cuddling and the sense of together you project whenever we're alone together and I've been able to kiss you without butterflies, so why does the thought of touching you make my hands shake?"

"I don't know," Mac said. "It's possible that you're still going through so many changes to your routine and adjusting your comfort zone to allow for me to be a part of it. Here, let me have your hand for a second."

"What are you going to do?" Adam asked.

"Nothing you haven't already done before," Mac said softly. He took Adam's hand and rested it on his chest on top of the shirt he was wearing. "Now, how do you feel having your hand there?"

Adam laughed, sounding a little shaky. "Give me a second to catch my breath, Mac," he said. "I thought you were going to put my hand under your shirt or something like that. It's fine, although I don't really remember doing this."

"You do it when you're asleep," Mac said, pressing a kiss to the top of Adam's head. "You don't have to touch me until you're comfortable enough to do it on your own. In fact, I don't want you pushing yourself out of your comfort zone to try and do something you think I want you to do. If it takes a while for you to feel comfortable touching my skin, then it takes a while."

"I guess I just still have a little trouble believing that you're totally fine with going this slow," Adam said. "It seems like relationships always move so fast that there's almost no time between the meet and the fall into bed phases."

"These days that does seem to be true in a lot of cases, but that's what both partners are looking for, so they go into the experience with no expectation of longevity," Mac said. "If it makes you feel better, Adam, think of this as a courtship period. Do you know enough history to know what all that means?"

"I think so, yeah," Adam said. "Although, given how you were touching me last night, I think we've moved past most courtship boundaries already."

Mac chuckled. "It's a courtship adjusted for modern times," he said. "Although you will never convince me that every single courting happened the way the history books say they did. We're dealing with human behavior and humans are remarkably good at hiding what they don't want others to know."

"So you're saying that the kids, when they were left on their own in the sitting room, even with an adult close by, got all hot and heavy?" Adam asked.

"Very probably," Mac replied. "Think about how those dresses and petticoats could be lifted up easily to give the guy access."

"Now you're just being silly," Adam said. "I think people would notice that much fabric piled up, no matter how careful the kids were trying to be."

"Maybe a little, yeah," Mac said. "Have you relaxed again?"

"Yeah, thank you," Adam said. "I really don't notice when I go tense, you know."

"I know," Mac said. "I think you'll start realizing it when I keep going off on silly topics to help you relax again though."

Adam lifted his head from Mac's shoulder. "Does anyone else at work know you have this silly side, Mac?"

"Danny does," Mac said. "Having friends in common means there aren't a lot of secrets between us. I think Stella might suspect, but I've never really given her firm proof of anything."

"So does that mean you and Danny hang out away from the lab?"

"We do, on occasion, when we're both at the clubs or we've both had a really hard day and need to relax," Mac said. "Not every time, he has Flack to play sports with and other friends that he likes to see whenever he can, and I have my own forms of relaxing."

"This?"

"This, and also a club where I play with a band every Wednesday as long as I'm free," Mac said. "I'll have to take you along so you can hear us."

"How did I not know you play an instrument?" Adam asked.

"It's not something I talk about," Mac replied. "Although it is something I enjoy a lot."

Adam grinned. "I'll look forward to it," he said.


	12. Chapter 12

"Hey Adam, can I talk to you for a minute?" Stella asked, leaning into the lab Adam called home.

"Uh, yeah, give me one second to finish loading this last line of numbers," Adam replied, not looking up from the paper next to his computer.

Stella sat down on one of the rolling chairs that dotted the room and waited quietly. She knew that Adam was inputting serial numbers from a bank robbery that Mac and Danny were working together and the last thing she wanted to do was cause him to push the wrong button.

"Okay, that's it. What's up, Stella?"

"I've noticed that you've been spending a lot of time with Mac and just wanted to make sure that everything was okay."

"You do realize that Danny beat you to this one, right?" Adam asked with a grin.

"What?"

"Mac thought you'd pick it up first and talk with both of us, but Danny got it the second day," Adam said. "I'm fine, Stella. In fact, I think I'm better than I can ever really remember being before."

"So you two are dating?" she asked.

"Yeah, well, sort of. More courting than dating right now," Adam replied. "I just haven't had a lot of attention or physical affection in my life before so I'm really jumpy and nervous about everything so Mac's going glacially slow to make sure that I'm comfortable with everything."

Stella smiled. "You've got a keeper, you know," she said. "Is there anything I can do to help?"

"No, but thank you," Adam said. "Danny's been hovering since he figured it out and, well, do you know his friend Terry?"

"Yeah, I met him a couple of years ago," Stella said. "He's a great guy, and so's his partner."

"I'm having dinner with Danny and Terry this weekend," Adam said. 

"That's good, Adam. Terry will be able to help you out a lot, I think," she said. "I know about the relationship between him and Hank and if that's what you need, then that's what you need. It's no one's business but yours and your partner's. Anyone else wants to say anything different and I'll have something to say to them."

Adam ducked his head, but was smiling. "Thanks, Stella. That means a lot, you know, that you and Danny are both willing to stand up for me. I haven't had a lot of that in my life either."

"That's what friends are for, Adam," she said. "Okay, if you're comfortable with everything, I think it's time to let Mac know I've figured him out again."

"I think he's been looking forward to it," Adam said. He gathered up his papers. "I'm off to find Danny. Any hints on where I should look?"

"Yeah, actually, I saw him in A/V on my way here."

"Cool, thanks, Stella."

She watched him go with a fond smile. The change was obvious once she was looking for it, and was happy that Adam was taking a chance for a relationship that had the potential to be long-term, loving and supportive all at the same time.   
***

"Mac."

"Stella."

"You're dating again," Stella said, letting the door shut behind her.

"I am," he said, leaning back in his desk chair. "I'm disappointed, Stella. I thought for sure you would have picked up on this at least a week ago."

She shook her head. "The night you went to find Adam at his apartment," she said. "I should have known that was atypical behavior for you, but I was just so happy that you were going to check on Adam that I didn't even think about it. He's happy."

"He is," Mac said with a fond smile. "I won't share details of my personal life, especially not without his permission, but he's sleeping through the night, Stella, and his nightmares are decreasing each night. I think he's starting to feel safe for the first time in a long time."

"You know he's still hurting though."

"I do. He's told me a little, but there's still a lot to work through. I think that he's do just fine."

"He told me he's meeting Terry this weekend."

Mac nodded. "There's questions about the kink that I can't answer properly because I've never been there," he said. "Do you think that it's a mistake for Adam to be in such a relationship?"

"Knowing you, Mac, you've told him that it's at his speed and whatever he wants," Stella said. "You never push. I remember Claire commenting to me one time that she thought she'd have to tie you down and propose you were taking so long."

"I wanted her to be sure of what she wanted," Mac said. "It's not easy to be a military wife."

"Mac."

"I know, Stel, I know," Mac said. "Thanks for letting me know you worked this out."

"Yeah, no problem," Stella said. "I can tell I'm going to have to start watching things a little more closely around here."

"Oh, that reminds me, Adam tells me that the lab techs call you and me the parents of the lab," Mac said. 

Stella started laughing. "There's worse things to be called," she said. "I'd rather be mom to these guys than an enemy."

"Yeah, I know what you mean," Mac said.


	13. Chapter 13

"Dinner at my place?" Mac asked as he and Adam were leaving the lab.

"Sure," Adam replied. "I'd like to start spending time at your place, if only to start trying to feel comfortable there as well. I know you say you're fine always being at my place, but honestly, I want to be able to give back a little for your patience."

"Adam, you don't have to do anything you don't want to," Mac said. "Remember that. Now I'm not saying no to spending time at my place, I'm saying that if you don't feel comfortable there, or you want to move to your place for the night, I want you to tell me about it."

"I can do that," Adam said. "Did Stella find you?"

Mac smiled. "Yeah, she did and the conversation went about like I was expecting it to," he said. "She's only going to warn me off if she thinks I'm hurting you and, honestly Adam, right now you look healthier than I've seen you look before and I think everyone else is realizing it."

"I haven't been as sleepy at work since you started staying the night," Adam said, flushing. He looked out at the traffic Mac was navigating through. "I didn't realize how badly I was sleeping until I started sleeping."

"It's only going to get better," Mac said. "Now, that said, I know that everyone at work is pretty much addicted to caffeine, so I'm not expecting you to stop drinking it. Just try and keep an eye on how much you are drinking and, if we're not busy or you don't need it, have juice or water instead."

Adam nodded. "That's reasonable," he said. "I think the lunches we've been packing have helped a lot too. I saw Danny eyeing my sandwich today."

"I just want to know that you're being as healthy as possible in our line of work," Mac said with a grin. "If Danny wants to join us in being healthy, he can, but he'll have to get his own food. Come on, let's go see what I've got to eat. It's possible we might have to order in, which defeats the whole purpose of what I've just been saying."

"Not if we got sandwiches or something," Adam said. "Mac, do you think I should make a list of questions to take with me this weekend for when I meet Terry? I don't want to forget anything."

"A list might not be a bad idea," Mac said. "Especially as I know you're going to be nervous talking with someone about what is considered a sexual kink. It's never easy to open up about your private life, and to do so with a stranger can be even harder."

"Yeah, I can't decide if having Danny there will make things better or worse," Adam admitted. He followed Mac into the apartment and kicked off his shoes before moving into the living area. "I mean, I know that he's probably seen and done worse himself, but it's still enough to make me feel embarrassed at just the thought."

"You might talk with Danny before you head out to meet up with Terry," Mac said. He kissed Adam on the head and went into the kitchen to see what he had to eat. "Let him know how you're feeling before the two of you are in a position where you might be too embarrassed to ask a question simply because Danny is there."

Adam followed Mac and sat down at the table. "That's not a bad idea," he said. "I'll see if I can catch him for lunch tomorrow if we're not too busy. It's like the city has been in a yo-yo state for the past three months."

"I blame the weather," Mac said. 

"Is there any scientific data to back you up?" Adam asked.

"Get started on a salad for us, please?" Mac said. He put water on to boil and started another pot for cheese sauce. "When it's cold and rainy out, crime decreases for a short time as everyone tries to avoid the weather, but then spikes if the cold spell lasts for too long. Cabin fever sets in remarkably fast in this city."

"I guess I hadn't thought of it like that," Adam said. "What about when it's nice out?"

"That's when we get the outside crimes, body dumps and other exterior crimes," Mac said.

"Do you ever worry that you're so caught up in work that you're studying weather patterns to try and guess what sorts of crimes you'll be investigating any given day?" Adam asked.

"No, I gave up on life making too much sense a long time ago," Mac replied. "Extra carrots, if you don't mind them."

"Nah, that's fine," Adam grinned. He liked the easy flow they set into in the kitchen. It made him feel warm and safe at the same time.


	14. Chapter 14

"Mac, can I try touching you?" Adam asked after dinner. They were curled up on Mac's sofa and Adam was amazed at how comfortable and inviting a piece of furniture could be. He never wanted to move. If Mac's bed was half as nice, they would definitely be spending nights at Mac's apartment.

"Sure," Mac replied. "Where would you feel most comfortable with this? Here or in the bedroom?"

Adam bit his lip. "Can we start here and see how it goes?" he asked.

"Of course," Mac said. "What do you want me to do?"

"Stay still for me?"

"Let me know if you need anything, Adam," Mac said. "This is a big step and I don't want you pushing yourself too far with this."

"Okay," Adam said. He leaned in and kissed Mac softly. He really liked kissing Mac and it was something he felt comfortable doing, so that was where he started. The kiss stayed light, Mac letting Adam move at his own pace, and Adam slipped his fingers into Mac's hair in a light massage. Mac moaned softly and Adam pulled back. "You okay?"

Mac's eyes opened. "Sorry, I didn't mean to worry you, but I really like head massages," he said.

"Yeah?" Adam asked softly. "Let me in behind you, Mac."

"You're going to have a puddle for a lover here pretty soon," Mac warned, moving forward. He didn't lean back until he felt Adam's hands on his shoulders pulling him back and then relaxed against the younger man. "I haven't had a decent massage in years. Not even from Claire, but she tried. Her hands just weren't strong enough."

"How long have you known you were bi?" Adam asked, starting at the top of Mac's head and slowly working his way down towards his neck.

"I figured it out in the Corps," Mac replied, sounding a little wry. "Having feelings for one of your fellow Marines wasn't a good thing at all and I learned very quickly to keep my mouth shut and my body under control. At least until I found out my feelings were returned. He was a marvel with his hands."

Adam couldn't help but grin. "Sounds like you had a good thing there. What happened?"

"Different postings," Mac said. "I went overseas, he went to D.C. and we lost touch. He's married with three kids now. Works at the Pentagon, actually. We've kept in touch."

"Did Claire know about him?"

"She did, actually," Mac said. He groaned when Adam's fingers got to the base of his skull and went limp. "She even became friends with his wife."

Adam laughed. "You are Claire were made for each other, Mac," he said. "I'm still sorry for what happened to her. I wish I could have met her."

"I wish you could have too," Mac said. "But at the same time, I'm very happy to have you as my lover, Adam. Don't think you've got ghosts hanging around that you have to compete against. I've made peace with my past and it doesn't haunt me. That's not to say it doesn't still give me nightmares, but they're rare."

"Wish mine were," Adam sighed. He slowly ran his fingers along Mac's neck and around to rest on his chest. "Why am I not as nervous about this now that I'm behind you?"

"Because you're in the position of control," Mac said. "Like this, even with my training, you have more power than I do."

Adam leaned around so he could see Mac's face. "I don't believe that for a minute. You're a big, scary Marine, Mac," he said. "I doubt there's any situation you get into that you couldn't eventually get out of."

"We need to get some documentaries so you don't have this movie and video game view of Marines," Mac said. He forced his body to stay still when Adam's hands drifted down a little, accidentally brushing over his nipples. "We're human, Adam. We just go through very intense training to make us stronger."

"I've seen Marines fight, Mac," Adam said. He couldn't bring himself to go past Mac's waist, so he moved his hands back up towards Mac's chest. "You guys fight dirty."

"Some do, yeah, but remember how much we value honor," Mac said. "How are you doing, Adam?"

"Okay. Good, actually," Adam said. "My hands aren't shaking at all."

"Don't push yourself," Mac said.

"I won't," Adam replied as he slipped his fingers back into Mac's hair. He grinned at the moan the action got and went back to his massage. He didn't know when he'd be braver about touching more of his lover, but finding out how to help Mac relax was a good way to start.


	15. Chapter 15

"You ready for this?" Danny asked at the end of the week. He and Adam were standing together outside a deli restaurant near the park.

Adam took a deep breath. "As ready as I'll ever be, I guess," he replied. "Why here?"

"I figured we could get sandwiches or something to go and head out into the park," Danny said, leading the way inside. "That way you don't gotta feel trapped or worry about people hearing what you and Terry are talking about."

"That's a good idea, Danny, thanks," Adam said.

"There he is. Hey Terry, how you been?" Danny asked. 

Terry was a little taller than Danny, but not as tall as Don Flack, with blond hair and blue eyes. He was wearing a Yankees t-shirt and jeans. "Hanging in there, same as always," he replied with a smile. "Never gonna get used to seeing you on the news, Messer. You ever not in trouble?"

"It's all good, perps just don't know how to stay still," Danny grinned. "Terry, this is Adam Ross, one of my co-workers. Adam, Terry."

"Nice to meet you," Adam said. "Thanks for meeting for dinner."

"Not a problem, if I can be a help to anyone, I'll find a way to do it," Terry said. "You thinking sandwiches and park, Messer?"

"Read my mind," Danny said. "Adam what'd you want?"

The trio got their dinners and headed over into the park. It was a nice evening and a lot of people were out, but they managed to find a spot under some trees where they could be alone and talk without worrying about people overhearing them. Danny leaned back against a tree and started to unwrap his sub. "Adam, you want to start with a question or how do you want to do this?"

"I had planned to make a list, but I got busy at work," Adam said. "I guess the main question I still have is how and why I need this. I mean, I'm an adult. I didn't have the best childhood growing up, but I've been managing on my own."

Terry nodded. "It's a huge piece of yourself to wrap your mind around," he said. "I think the key word there is managing. Do you feel better or worse since you and Mac got together?"

"Better," Adam said. "But I get the shakes when I even think about touching him beyond a hug or a kiss." He flushed. "I like those."

"Mom or Dad?" Terry asked.

"Dad."

"That makes it a bit harder to let yourself go with an older male lover, or so I've noticed in the clubs," Terry said. "A lot of people think they can handle being with someone who reminds them of their abuser, but then they realize they can't and sometimes it's almost too late to back out. I can't imagine Mac pushing you for anything, how slow is he moving?"

"I keep expecting the Titanic to show up in my living room," Adam said.

Danny looked puzzled for a minute and then laughed. "Mac as an ice berg, glacial, I get it," he said. "Nice turn of a phrase there, Adam."

"Thanks," Adam grinned. "So, Terry, you think I'll get over the shakes?"

"With time, I'd be surprised if you didn't," Terry said. "As to the rest of it, well, when I met Hank and we started to fall into the very mild daddy dynamic we have, I wasn't sure what was going on. I mean, how do you handle something like that? Hank and I talked about it and I realized that I did need someone to help me remember to eat and go to bed. He helped me realize that I wasn't broken because I needed that, and he was happy to take care of me. I know that we're on the far end of the spectrum because he don't punish me for anything unless I don't eat for a whole day. Best thing you can do is sit down with Mac and establish your guidelines and boundaries early on. They can always be adapted as your relationship grows."

Adam nodded. "We've talked about it a little because I don't want to be punished and he said he wouldn't for anything," he said. "I know he's worried about flashbacks, and I kinda am too. Mac said he was going to use what he called firm suggestions and that's how I should take them."

"Are you happy with that?" Terry asked.

Adam fell silent thinking about it. Danny and Terry talked about other things while they let Adam think things over. Both of them knew how hard it was to admit that you needed something outside of the norm for anything and didn't want to push Adam too hard, especially knowing what they did about his childhood. Adam finally sighed. "You know, I think I really am," he said.


	16. Chapter 16

Mac was waiting in Adam's living room reading a book when he heard the key turn in the lock. "How was your dinner?" he asked, not looking up.

"It was good," Adam replied. He sat down next to Mac and kissed his cheek. "I'm not sure if I've finished blushing yet or not, but it was good."

"You're not red," Mac said. He marked his place and gave his lover his full attention. "Is there anything we need to talk about immediately?"

"Terry said it would be a good idea for us to go through and work out our guidelines and boundaries together," Adam said. "I told him about the firm suggestions you've been using and how happy I am with that, and he said that is a good general starting place, but we need to make sure we're not going to end up miscommunicating about something later on because we didn't talk now."

Mac nodded. "That makes good sense," he said. "I know you like the firm suggestions and I'm never going to punish you for anything, Adam. There's too much of a risk there. I don't want to cause a flashback to your childhood."

Adam cuddled up to Mac's side. "I don't want you to either," he said. "It would take a lot of yelling on your part to trigger something, but I think if we put physical punishment into the mix, you could trigger something easily. My dad wasn't exactly shy about smacking me around."

"I will never hit you, Adam," Mac said. "Never. When we're away from the lab just having our personal time I need you to remember that you can question me, you can not do something I've asked you to do, and be your own person. I'll keep up with the firm suggestions, but don't ever feel like you have to do something for me."

"I'm not worried about you hurting me physically," Adam said. "I know all couples have fights, but as long as you come back, that's all I care about. I don't know when I'll be ready to be more physical with you though. I still get the shakes pretty bad when I think about it."

Mac kissed the top of Adam's head. "You'll get there, Adam. You haven't had much physical affection in your life and that's going to play into a lot of things now. I think as you get used to having me touch you, even just hugs or holding you at night when you're asleep, you'll start to feel more comfortable with the physical side of the relationship. We'll take as long as you want. No pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone just because you think that I want something."

"I'll do my best," Adam said. "Mac, I do like it when you leave me a list of things to do. I guess I don't always notice when I need to clean or do laundry."

"I can keep doing that for you," Mac said. "We can shop for groceries together so we don't have to worry about food. What else do you want me to do for you?"

"You know I like when you tell me to shower and go to bed, especially if I know you're going to be there waiting for me," Adam said. "Is there much else we have to go through and define? It seems like we're both on the same page for pretty much all of this."

"I think that, for our relationship now, this is all we really need to talk about," Mac said. "When we add sex into it we'll have to talk about new boundaries and comfort zones and exactly what you want there. The only thing I'm holding firm on is that I will not hurt you physically."

Adam nodded. "I don't think I'd want to be hurt during sex," he said. "I had so much pain growing up that I'd really like to not have to worry about it now."

"You don't," Mac said softly. "We're moving at your speed, Adam. You make the calls and I'm here to support you through them."

"Okay, I can do that," Adam said.


	17. Chapter 17

A part of Adam was expecting Mac to get tired of the slow pace they were moving at in their relationship. He knew that it had to be hard on the older man, had felt the erections pushing into his hip in the mornings, but he still felt so shaky at the idea of touching Mac that he didn't know how they were ever going to move forward. He was always amazed that the care and love that Mac lavished on him daily; from the small notes left on the kitchen counter, to the meals they cooked together, to holding him every night while they were asleep. Adam's nightmares were slowly decreasing and he was sleeping through the night more constantly than he ever had in his life.

He was just working up the nerve to ask if they could move onto the next level as they were walking out of the lab at the end of their shift, and Adam almost ran into his father. 

"I finally found you, you ungrateful brat."

Mac didn't even hesitate, he moved Adam behind him and drew himself up to his full height. "Mr. Ross, you will show respect when you are speaking to a member of the police crime lab," he said, his tone cold.

"Who the hell are you?"

"Detective Mac Taylor. I'm Adam's supervisor and we're on our way to a crime scene, so if you'll excuse us, we need to leave," Mac said. "Adam, go get your kit and meet me in the car. I'll be right there."

"Yes, Sir," Adam said, hurrying off.

Mac blocked Adam's father from following. "Now you listen to me. I know what you did to Adam when he was growing up and it ends now," he said. "My team is my responsibility and I will step up for each and every one of them. Adam is an adult, he doesn't have to do a damn thing you say, so you're going to turn around and you're going to leave."

"Got a problem here, Mac?" Flack asked, appearing out of the crowd. "Me and the boys could help out."

"Adam's father is here, Flack," Mac replied, not looking back. "I think maybe he made a wrong turn somewhere."

Flack grinned. "No problem, I got it handled," he said. "You go on to your crime scene, let me take care of this for you."

"Thanks, Flack, I owe you one," Mac said. He leveled a look at Adam's father and left, heading towards the garage, where he hoped Adam would be waiting for him. "Adam?"

There was no answer. Mac sighed. His younger lover had been doing so well, opening up and smiling more and Mac hated that would change. He walked over to the truck he normally drove and opened the passenger door. Adam was curled up on the floor. "Hey there."

"Hey."

"So, Flack is handling things out there for us," Mac said. "Why don't I check the truck out and we drive home tonight? You can stay down here and no one will see you."

"Yeah, sounds good."

"Lock the door, I'll get the key to get back in," Mac said. "I'll be right back." He shut the door again, waited until he heard the lock engage and went over to the guard booth. "Fred, I'm going to sign my usual truck out tonight. Something came up."

The officer handed over a clipboard with a nod. "Seems like it's gonna be one of those nights, Mac," he said. "Full moon ain't until next week."

"Maybe people are just being stupid," Mac said. "Anyone comes in here asking about me or my people, send them inside would you? Flack's taking care of a stalker out there and I don't want to risk anyone following me."

"Anyone stupid enough to mess with ours deserves what they get," Fred said. He took the clipboard back and handed over the keys. "No one'll hear nothing from me, Mac. You take care of Adam. He looked pretty shook up."

"He was," Mac said. "See you tomorrow."

"Have a good night."

Mac went back to the truck, unlocked the driver's side and climbed in. "Ready to do this?"

"Yeah."

"Okay, stay down just in case," Mac said. "Flack should have your father inside, but I don't want to take any chances he could follow us." He pulled out of the garage and into traffic slowly, the usual tangle of vehicles around the station more of a pain than usual that night. He didn't look around until he was a few blocks away and then relaxed. "We're safe."

Adam looked up. "Can we go to your place, Mac?" he asked softly. "I don't want him to know where I live."

"Sure," Mac said. "My building probably has better security too. He won't be able to get inside without permission from the guard at the desk, and I'll make sure he doesn't have that."

"We're going to have to talk, aren't we?"

"Not if you don't want to," Mac said. "We can just watch dinner and go to bed if you want."

"Don't really want to put this off."

"It's up to you," Mac said. "But we'll talk after we eat. You need to have some food and drink something first."

Adam nodded with a sigh. "I'll try."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks, everyone, for you patience in waiting for updates on my stories. I've been finishing up a novel that will be available on amazon soon. If you've read my Dragon Chronicles, you saw that I have a dragon novel as well. The first one is available on amazon, and the one I just finished writing (and am editing) is the sequel to it.
> 
>  
> 
> http://www.amazon.com/Lexxie-Scott/e/B00BHME9QQ
> 
> That's the link to my author page. All books are available in both paperback and e-book format.


	18. Chapter 18

"It was going out in the field that did it."

"What do you mean, Adam?" Mac asked. He'd ordered soup and sandwiches from a local deli and gone down to collect them. He and Adam were secure in his apartment and they both had the next day off, so they would be able to stay in and talk.

"When I left home, I really left," Adam replied. "I didn't take anything other than two changes of clothes and all the money I'd been saving up. I didn't leave a clue to where I was going to college and my school was great. Then I came here and I was in the lab and I could still hide. I guess I thought I was safe enough to go out into the field, to risk having my name show up in the news."

Mac kissed Adam's temple. "Do you want to save the other half of your sandwich for later, Adam?" he asked.

"Could I?"

"Of course, but finish your milk," Mac said. He took their plates back into the kitchen. "Adam, your father is an abuser and, like all abusers, he has to be in control. When you left for school like you did, you took that control away from him. You showed that you are your own person and that you don't have to be beaten down every day to live. He believes that he owns you, and that's something we're going to show show him he's wrong about."

"I don't understand how people can live in abusive relationships," Adam said. He walked into the kitchen and rinsed out his milk glass. "I mean, I understand the dynamics behind their thinking, but I don't know how they can actually do it. I was scared to death my father was going to kill me before I was old enough to run."

"You got lucky, Adam, and you survived," Mac said. He leaned against the counter and held his arms open in invitation. "You know as well as I do that not everyone in those situations does."

Adam cuddled up against his lover and sighed when Mac's arms pulled him in for a tight hug. "I didn't think I was missing anything in my life, but I was," he said softly. "Mac, I don't want this to be a set-back in our relationship. I was going to ask you if you would touch me again tonight. I wanted to try and move onto the next level together."

"Now?" Mac asked.

"Now I just want to hide in the closet, no matter how much I don't want seeing him to change things," Adam admitted.

Mac kissed his temple again softly. "Well, no hiding in closets, but you can sleep on the side closer to the window if you want to," he said. "I'll stay closer to the door if it makes you feel more secure."

"Being here actually makes me feel safe," Adam said. "Mac, what's going to happen tomorrow?"

"We stay in and read," Mac said. "You've got enough clothes here to last for a couple of days. There's food in the fridge and we can just enjoy being with each other for a day. I talked with Stella and she knows not to call me in unless there's a serial homicide. Flack's taking care of your father and he'll be gone by the time we go back to work."

"Are you sure?" Adam asked.

"I am, but you can stay in the lab for a while if you want to," Mac said. 

"I would, actually," Adam said. "I know he wouldn't be able to get to me there, and I'm not so sure about being in the field."

"It's easy enough and everyone understands, Adam," Mac said. He kissed Adam's temple again, the only part of his lover he could reach. "No one at the lab or the department will think less of you for this. If they do, they'll have to take it up with me."

Adam managed a grin. "My Marine," he said.


	19. Chapter 19

Adam spent the next week in the lab working on whatever the others needed him to do. He found that he really enjoyed falling back into the rhythm of being in the lab rather than out in the field. He did hate that it put Mac in a bit of an awkward situation, but he thought that his lover would listen to him and let him do what was best for him in the end.

"Hey," Danny said, letting the door shut behind him, "so I just saw the final paperwork. You and Mac really thought this out, didn't you?"

"Yeah, it took some talking, but we finally managed to work it out," Adam said. "I know that restraining orders rarely work long-term, but I'm going to move in with Mac at the end of the month. Two buildings was easier to put in paperwork than three."

"You sure you're ready for such a big step?" Danny asked. "You guys only been together couple of months. I thought you guys planned to take it slow."

"We did, but when we were at Mac's place for two days, I realized I felt safer and more at home there than I ever have in my own apartment," Adam replied. "Trust me, Mac asked me about a zillion questions to make sure that this is what I really wanted to do, but it is. I'm sure this is the right step and at the right time. Mac makes me feel more like I can step out and do other things if I want to, Danny. Does that make sense?"

Danny nodded with a grin. "Yep, because you know he's there supporting you the whole time," he said. "What about your father? How big a risk is he gonna be?"

"I have no idea, I haven't spoken to him in years and I'm not starting now," Adam said. "I do need to talk to Mac though. I want to stop going out in the field."

"Whoa, back up a minute there," Danny said. "You worked hard to get your CSI field cert, Adam. You really sure you want to give all that up?"

"It's not that hard of a choice, really," Adam said. "I've been having more fun this past week than I have in months, Danny, and I've been in the lab the whole time. That tells me that being in here, working the lab, is where I really need to be. It also takes me out of Mac's direct supervision in the field. Yeah, he runs the lab and is responsible for all of us, but he oversees the CSIs more than he does the lab staff. It'll all just be easier long-term."

"Okay, if you're sure, but I think you're gonna have a heck of a time convincing Mac about all this," Danny said.

Adam smiled. "Not really, because he's been behind us for the past three minutes and heard everything I've said."

"You've got good senses, Adam," Mac said with a grin. "I came to see how those tests turned out, but didn't interrupt you two. You're sure, Adam?"

"Yeah, I am," Adam said. "I'm not hiding from my dad in here, Mac. I really do like being in the lab more. I think it took being out in the field to show me that this is where I really belong."

"All right, it's your choice, Adam," Mac said. "I'm not going to force you into anything. Now, along those lines, Flack called and said that your father left town this morning, but we'll have to be alert for him coming back. I'm not convinced that this is over with."

"It's not," Adam said, "but I don't want to let fear rule me, Mac. What else can I do?"

"Just what you've been doing, Adam," Mac said. "It's hard and there's no guarantee the nightmares will ever go away, but I think it's possible you'll be able to keep moving forward with help from your friends."


	20. Chapter 20

"Mac, would you let me touch you tonight?" Adam asked as they walked into Mac's apartment. The pair was slowly moving Adam's things over and making space for them.

"If that's what you want, but you're not to push yourself," Mac replied. He locked the door behind them and went to put his gun away. "I don't want you out of your comfort zone, Adam, for any reason. I don't care if it takes us years to get to more of a sexual relationship. I'm happy with you as we are."

Adam nodded. "But you'd be happier with sex, wouldn't you?" he asked. "I sort of heard you in the shower the past few mornings."

"How did it make you feel?" Mac asked. "Come on and sit down, let's talk about this first. You heard me jerking off in the showers, I was trying to be quiet so you didn't know what I was doing and feel either pressured or embarrassed. Did you feel either of those things, Adam?"

"Kinda embarrassed when I realized exactly what you were doing, but nothing like I wanted to go and hide from you," Adam said. He cuddled up next to his lover with a happy sigh. "My body got warmer when I thought about you in there, naked and wet, touching yourself. I didn't get hard, but there was definitely some interest there."

Mac slid his hand down Adam's side and around to his butt. "What about touching you here, Adam?" he asked. "Through the cloth. How does that make you feel?"

"Butterflies," Adam said.

"Here?" Mac slipped his hand up under Adam's shirt and ran a finger over a nipple.

Adam arched into the touch a little with a moan. "I like that touch," he said.

"Shirts off?" Mac asked.

"I think I'm okay to try," Adam replied. He sat back and pulled off his t-shirt, eyes down and he knew he was blushing.

"You tell me if you get uncomfortable or want to stop," Mac said. "Adam, look at me. I'm serious about this. I do not want you pushing yourself because you think it's what you have to do."

"I know," Adam said. He reached out and touched Mac's scar with one finger. "Does this ever hurt you?"

"Not anymore, now that I'm used to it being there," Mac said. He slid his hands up Adam's stomach and started to tease the younger man's nipples. "When it was healing up and for a couple of years after that, it would hurt off and on. I've always thought the skin texture was about the same. What do you think."

"I can't really think with you doing that," Adam said. "Why does it feel so good, Mac?"

Mac smiled and leaned in to kiss Adam's neck softly. "The nerve endings there are similar in both men and women," he said. "Not all men are sensitive in their nipples, but I have yet to meet one who isn't."

"I think I really like you doing that," Adam said.

"What about me doing this?" Mac asked. He flicked his tongue over one before catching it with his lips and sucking gently. 

Adam arched against him, falling back onto the sofa. Mac moved with his younger lover, being very careful not to brush the bulge that was forming in Adam's jeans, and kept sucking. He nipped it carefully and pulled back. "I guess you really like that," he said softly.

"Kiss?" Adam asked.

"Of course." Mac moved up and caught Adam's mouth with his own. Adam opened to him with a moan and let Mac lead the kiss until they had to break apart for air. "How are you doing, Adam?"

"I think I need friction," Adam said. "Mac, I've never felt like this before and don't know what I should be doing."

"I'm going to let more of my weight down on you, Adam," Mac said. "You're going to feel my erection next to yours and you tell me if it scares you, okay? Me being there will give you something to thrust up against and you should be able to climax from that. This is a good way for you to get comfortable with sex."

Adam nodded and moaned when he felt Mac's body against his. "Not as heavy as I thought you'd be, Mac," he said. His hips started pushing up without any conscious input from him. "Feels so good."

"Just do what comes naturally, Adam. Come apart for me." Mac knew that Adam wasn't going to last long and started to push back against his younger lover, both chasing after his own orgasm, but helping push Adam higher on sensation. Adam bit his lip to keep quiet when he came, something Mac figured tied back to his childhood, and went limp on the sofa. Mac came quickly after his lover and caught himself before he fell onto Adam as dead weight. "You okay, Adam?" he panted.

"I think my brain is shut down," Adam replied.

"That's normal. Rest and catch your breath. We'll need to get cleaned up in a minute or two."


	21. Chapter 21

Mac met up with Flack outside the crime scene and looked around. "Someone is watching us, Flack," he said softly. "From the treeline over there across the street."

"Always a lot of people watching crime scenes, Mac," Flack said. "I'll let the officer on the door know to keep his eye on the trees. Messer's already inside and working."

"All right, thanks," Mac said. He went in and up the stairs to the second floor. There was an officer outside the door of the crime scene. Mac signed the log and went inside. "Hey Danny, what do you have?"

"Hey Mac, sorry to call you away from the lab when I know you're trying to do mid-term evaluations on everyone, but I thought you needed to see this one," Danny said. He let the camera rest against his chest and pointed towards the bedroom. "I've finished photographing in there, you can go in."

"Danny, you know you can call me any time," Mac said as he pulled on gloves. "I don't care if I'm in a meeting, if you need me, I'll get here as fast as I can."

"Yeah, I know, I just feel bad because you've been trying to get to those reports for a week," Danny said. "I'm kinda curious to see what mine is gonna say."

"Same as it always does, Danny," Mac said. "You've settled into a very competent CSI and I'm proud of you for that." Mac paused when he looked into the bedroom. "Danny."

The younger man came up next to him and nodded. "This was an execution, Mac," he said. "This wasn't just homicide, this was a message for you."

"Adam's father is back in the city," Mac said. He pulled out his phone and called the lab. "This is Detective Taylor. Adam Ross' father is back in town and has killed twice. If he shows up at the lab, he is to be considered armed and dangerous. Shoot to kill."  
****

Adam was in his lab working when one of the patrol officers he knew by name came in. "Hey Billy, what's up?" he asked.

"Protection detail, Adam," Billy replied. "Detective Taylor's orders."

"Shit, my dad."

"I'm afraid so. I'm not leaving you alone until Detective Taylor is back in the lab, Adam. We've got you covered, man," Billy said. "You're one of us and no one messes with ours."

"Thanks, Billy," Adam said. "Has there been any sign of my dad?"

"Not here, but we're not taking any chances. Is it all right if I sit here by the door? I'm not going to screw up any tests or anything, am I?"

"No, you're fine there. I'll let you know if you need to move," Adam said. "Mac's on his way back?"

"Unless something has changed between his last phone call in and now, yep," Billy said. "Adam, we've got everyone on alert. Your father isn't getting into this building. Not unless he's willing to take down every officer between the door and here."

Adam nodded, but didn't say that he father would do anything to get to him. He just wanted Mac back in the lab where he could see that his older lover was safe."  
****

Mac checked in and hurried up to Adam's lab. He knew that his younger lover was safe in the lab, he just wasn't sure how Adam would be taking the news and wanted to make sure that he was okay. "Hey."

"Anything?" Adam asked.

"Not yet, but everyone is looking for him," Mac replied. "Come on to my office. We need to talk about a few things."

Adam nodded and stripped off his gloves, pausing to wash his hands before he went to Mac's office. He sat down in the chair across the desk from Mac and tried not to let on how nervous he was. "What's up?"

"First of all, I love you and I'm not leaving you for anything," Mac said softly.

"I know."

"I wanted you to hear it again. Adam, your father killed two men either last night or this morning in an attempt to draw you out of the lab," Mac said. "Danny pulled the case and called me in when he realized what he was seeing at the crime scene. The victims didn't suffer, but it wasn't a pretty death."

"Death never is, Mac," Adam said. "We have to stay here tonight, don't we?"

"I think it'll be safer, yes," Mac said. "I know we can't hide in the lab forever, but being in the middle of about two hundred officers will keep us safe until your father is found. I'm going to keep you on the edges of this case, Adam. Both because there could be concerns raised later about conflict of interest, but also because I don't want to risk triggering flashbacks."

"Okay," Adam said. "Is there anything I can do to help out?"

"Keep working on the case you were already processing," Mac said. "Danny and I are working the homicide and we'll be able to run tests if we need to. Adam, I know you're fully capable of working the case, I'm just worried about you."

"Mac, you said I could question you away from work about anything. Here, when we're on the clock, you make the decisions and I follow," Adam said. "I know why you're doing this and I understand. I'm not upset about being pulled away from it. I don't know how objective I'd be able to be."

"Adam, this is just one reason of many that I love you," Mac said.


	22. Chapter 22

Adam fell asleep on the sofa in Mac's office when his shift was over. Mac wasn't tired and didn't know if he would be able to get to sleep or not as long as there was a threat to his lover roaming around the city. He stayed at his desk and worked on whatever paperwork he could find that needed to be completed. He wasn't sure what time it was when Flack tapped lightly on the glass and motioned for him to come out into the lab.

"Don?"

"He decided he wanted to shoot it out," Flack said softly. "I don't know how sane he was, Mac, but the threat's gone."

Mac looked back into his office with a sigh. "I wish I knew how this was going to impact Adam," he said. "He's already had such a hard time with it all, this could just make things worse."

"Or it could make 'em better," Flack said. "Adam's strong and he's got you, Mac. Hell, he's got all of us if it comes down to it, but he's got you. That more than anything'll help him through this."

"I hope you're right, Don," Mac said. "Thanks for coming to tell me. I'm going to take Adam home. I know from experience that sleeping on that sofa isn't easy."

"See you tomorrow," Flack said.

Mac went back into his office and went immediately to his lover, kneeling down next to the sofa. "Adam," he whispered. "Hey, can you wake up?"

"Time to work again?" Adam asked sleepily.

"No, time to go home," Mac replied with a fond smile. His lover was not quick to wake up. "Come on, let's go sleep in a real bed, how does that sound?"

"What about my dad?"

"He took the easy way out," Mac said. "I'm sorry, Adam."

Adam sat up and moved in for a hug, not caring that they were in the lab. "Even with how much he hurt me, I never wanted him dead, Mac," he whispered. "Not like this."

"I know, Adam, I know," Mac said. "It's because you're such a good man. I'm so proud of you for how well you're handling the situation. You're being so strong right now, I'm so proud of you."

"I don't know what to feel," Adam admitted.

"That's okay too," Mac said. "Come on, let's go home." He pulled back and helped Adam up as well. "You can feel whatever you want whenever you want and no one is going to judge you for that, least of all me. I'll be here for you no matter what, Adam. Now, when we get home, you are going to take a hot shower and eat something before we go to bed, okay?"

"I don't know if I can eat, Mac."

"Will you try for me?"

Adam thought about it. He knew they were off the clock so it was one of Mac's firm suggestions, not an order. "Yeah," he finally said. "I'll try."


	23. Chapter 23

Mac pushed Adam gently towards the shower when they got home and went to the kitchen to cook something light. He knew that Adam was odd about food anyway, too many problems around meals growing up, but hoped that he'd at least manage a few bites before they went to sleep. There was never any way to tell how death was going to impact those left behind, and Mac knew that an abuser dying just made it that much more complicated. Adam's emotions would be in turmoil for a while. 

"Hey."

"That was fast, you okay?"

Adam sat down at the table and rubbed his face. "I don't know," he admitted. "All my life, Mac, I hated what he did, how he treated me. I knew if I stayed at the house, he'd kill me one day so I ran and never looked back. I might have even hated him at a few points, but I never once wanted him dead."

"I know, Adam," Mac said. He brought two mugs of soup over to the table and sat down next to his lover. "He was your father and that bond would have formed before the problems from the abuse started. It's normal to not want your parents to die and I would be very surprised if you had. I have known children who were abused by their parents who have wanted them dead, but never got that feeling from you. You're a gentle soul, Adam."

"What does that mean?" Adam asked. "I've never heard that term before."

Mac smiled. "It's something my grandmother would say about people who are kind to everyone, those who want to help as much as they and work to being a good person in their community," he said. "I think she'd agree with me that you're a gentle soul. Adam, your emotions are going to be all over the board for the next few weeks. I want you to talk to me about what you're feeling. Don't hide from me."

"There's my drill sergeant," Adam said with a smile. "I kinda like it when he shows up."

"I'm taking you down to Quantico one of these days so you can hear a real Marine drill sergeant working, you won't think I sound so much like one after that," Mac said. "I think your nightmares are probably going to come back too. I know there's no way to predict exactly what's going to happen, but like I told you in my office, I'm here and I'm not leaving you for any reason. You're allowed to have mood swings and feel whatever it is you need to feel in order to heal from this. I don't want you hiding away. You've made too much progress to do that, Adam. I'm probably going to be pushing you more than I have been, and I want you to be ready for that."

Adam nodded. "I'll do my best not to get into a sulk," he said. He looked at the soup. "How much do you want me to eat?"

"Whatever you can manage, love," Mac said. "I know you're really probably not hungry, but it's been a long time since dinner and I don't want your blood sugar to get messed up. Just do your best for me."

"I'll try," Adam said.

"That's all I'm ever going to ask of you, Adam, is that you try," Mac said. "As long as you don't give up, you'll be fine."

"You wouldn't let me give up, Mac."

Mac sighed. "There are different kinds of giving up, and a couple I wouldn't be able to stop, no matter how much I would want to," he said. "Promise you'll tell me if you start feeling depressed or overly emotional about things?"

"Yeah, I can do that," Adam said. "I don't want to go anywhere either, Mac. Except maybe to bed. I'm really tired."

"All right, go brush your teeth and get ready for bed," Mac said. "I'll be in as soon as I get the kitchen squared up. We don't have to be at the lab until eleven tomorrow, so we can sleep in a little."

"Stella?"

"Yep, she heard what happened and threatened me if I brought you in before then," Mac said. "Go on, Adam, I'll be right behind you."


	24. Chapter 24

"Hey, I heard what happened, are you holding up okay?" Danny asked quietly.

Adam looked up from the computer he was working on. "I don't know," he replied. "Mac and I talked last night and he warned me that I'd be feeling a lot of crap, but I didn't know it was going to be like this. I mean, I'm glad I don't have to always have that fear in the background of my dad showing up and hurting me again, but I feel bad that he's dead. I know he killed those guys in cold blood and, if he wasn't dead, he'd be heading to prison for the rest of his life and he wouldn't survive in there. Having to bend to someone else's will would kill him pretty quickly. So I'm happy he's not going to prison, but then it's like I can barely remember some good times with him and I'm sad about how everything ended up."

"Sounds about right," Danny said. "It's going to take you time to work through all this, Adam, and I think you're emotions are going to get into even worse of a tangle before they level out and you're starting to feel okay again. Mac and me, we're here if you need to talk."

"I know, thanks, Danny," Adam said. "Stella's keeping an eye on me today. I don't know what she's watching for, but she's been in here about six times already."

"She's just making sure you're okay and no one's picking on you," Danny said. "She does the same to me when I'm having trouble with something. Want me to talk to her about it?"

"Nah, it's fine. She's out in the field with Lindsay and Hawkes right now anyway," Adam said. "I don't know when they're going to be back, but from the call, I think it's going to be a while. I was going to finish up this report and go eat."

"Want company?"

"That'd be great, Danny, thanks."  
****

"You ate more than I was expecting you to today," Mac commented that night when they were back in the apartment.

Adam looked up from his dinner. "Danny came in and sat with me. I think talking to him about a new video game that's coming out next month distracted me and I was done eating before I realized I had gone through everything you packed."

"Danny's remarkable when it comes to picking up on problems in the lab," Mac said. "How did you do today?"

"You were right about the emotions, Mac. I was all over the place today, and I'm not sure what I'm feeling right now."

"Adam, you weren't at the lab when Claire died, so you wouldn't know about this except for rumor," Mac said. "I turned into a zombie for months. I wasn't sleeping, I wasn't eating properly, and that had a negative impact on my work. Hell, I almost lost Danny from the lab because I was all over the board. In fact, that was what helped me realize that I needed to focus on myself rather than what I'd lost. Stella helped, she almost physically pulled me away from the towers one night after work, but it took a pretty bad shock to jar me back into life. That's why I know what you're going through, but also what I need to be watching for."

"I can't imagine losing anyone like that," Adam said.

"So many lives were lost that day, she's one of so many, and I've since spoken with some other families who lost loved ones that day," Mac said. "That helped, too. Do you think you would be comfortable in a group setting talking with others who survived what you did?"

"I don't know," Adam admitted. "I've never really had counseling for the abuse. I know I should have, but I thought I'd be able to handle it. Going to something like that wouldn't make the people at work look at me differently, would it?"

"I think they'd be behind you completely," Mac said. "You don't have to do it, but if you want to, I'll be right there to support you every step of the way."


	25. Chapter 25

ONE YEAR LATER.....

 

"Hey Mac, I think I'm ready," Adam said. The pair had spent the past year slowly learning about each other, Mac teaching Adam about being touched, and Adam slowly being able to touch Mac in return. The counseling helped a lot and everyone at the lab commented on how much happier and stable Adam seemed. He still wasn't over everything that happened to him, but he knew he was overcoming his past to move forward with his lover.

"Ready for what?" Mac asked. He handed Adam a wet dish and picked up a pot to scrub.

"Sex," Adam replied, cheeks flushing a faint red. "I still don't know if I'm ready to let you have control though. Is that going to be a problem?"

Mac grinned. "Not at all. I enjoy both positions, Adam, and if you think you're ready, then we can try," he said. "However, if you start feeling out of your comfort zone, or you think something is going to make you panic, you stop. Don't worry about me, there's other ways to bring pleasure and we don't have to do this tonight."

"I know," Adam said. He loved the firmer tone that Mac used around the house. It was different from his boss tone, and Adam thought it was because there was more love in the home tone than the boss tone. "I set up the bedroom while you were cooking dinner."

"I thought you were napping," Mac said.

"Nope, I wanted to surprise you," Adam said. "Is that the last pot?"

"Wipe down the stove and counter over there while I finish this up," Mac said. "I suppose you bought supplies for us at some point, Adam?"

"Yeah, last week. I've been thinking about this for a while," Adam admitted. "I just wasn't sure about the best time or the best way to bring it up."

"All you have to do is ask me," Mac said. He rinsed his hands, dried them off and hung the dish towels up to dry. "You know I'm willing to try whatever you want to, Adam. I'm just going to hold firm to our rules. I never want to do anything that is going to hurt you."

Adam wrapped Mac in a hug. "I know, and I know you'll never hurt me," he said softly. "Right here, this is where I feel the safest, Mac."

Mac pressed a kiss to Adam's neck. "If I could work out a way for you to feel this all the time, I'd do it in a second," he said. "Go on into the bedroom, Adam. I'll be there in a second."

"Hurry," Adam whispered. Part of him couldn't believe that they were finally going to be able to be together sexually. He'd been working through so many things for the time they'd been together that he didn't think it would ever be possible. Mac hadn't told him to undress, but Adam went ahead and slipped out of his shirt and jeans, leaving his boxers on and then dug out the lube and condoms he'd bought.

"You know what you need to do," Mac said, coming up behind him. "Where do you want me?"

"On the bed," Adam said. "Did you undress in the living room?"

"Bathroom," Mac grinned. "I'm going to have a night when we focus on each other, but I thought getting the first time nerves out of the way might be a good idea first. I remember my first time, I didn't last long."

"Is that your way of telling me I'm going to climax before you do?" Adam asked. He knelt next to Mac on their bed and bent down to kiss him softly. "I somehow pictured my first time as more romantic."

Mac laughed. "We can do romantic if you want to, Adam, but I think that getting to things right away tonight is a better idea. Besides, you can see how excited I already am about the idea," he said. "Why don't we get you through tonight, get you past the shakes, and then you can seduce me tomorrow night."

"That works," Adam said with a grin. He picked up the lube. "I'm still scared about hurting you doing this."

"You've done fine the past few times," Mac said. "Just go slowly when adding in more fingers." He moaned when the first pressed into him. "Three fingers is pretty much the same as one. Remember to pay attention to my body's signals, especially if we're kissing. The body doesn't lie, Adam."

"I know what happens in theory," Adam said. He added lube and slid two fingers into his lover for the first time. "But you're tight, Mac. How do I do this without hurting you badly?"

"Spend time on the prep," Mac said. "I know a man down in the clubs that uses toys to get his sub ready. They can make penetration easier, but you have to know what you're doing to use one for prep. Fingers makes it so you can feel the way your partner's body is relaxing, how stretched open they are, and so you can know when to add in fingers."

"I can't believe you can still lecture when I'm doing this," Adam said.

"It takes a lot to get my brain to lose track of what's going on," Mac said. He arched against the stretch when three fingers pushed into him. "I'm fine, Adam, it just feels good and it's been so long since I've allowed myself to feel this."

"Do you usually top?"

"I have to really love and trust someone to let them do this," Mac said. "You're doing fine, keep going."

"Is there anything else I need to be doing?"

"Not tonight, you're fine," Mac sighed. "I forgot how good this feels. When you're penetrating me, Adam, watch my face for cues. It'll be the best way for you to know what I'm feeling."

"Are you sure you're ready?" Adam asked. "Shouldn't I have to spend more time getting you open for me?"

"You're fine, whenever you're ready," Mac replied. "Remember what I said though, if you start getting uncomfortable, we'll stop."

Adam took a deep breath and nodded. He pulled back and got the condom open and on before slicking lube over everything. "I think nerves will keep my climax at bay for a bit, Mac," he said as he moved into place.

"Say that again when you're in me," Mac grinned. He groaned when Adam breached him for the first time. "So good, Adam."

"Okay, see what you mean," Adam managed. "How do people last?"

"Practice," Mac said. "You can move, Adam. It doesn't matter how long you last, don't try and hold back for me. I'll be fine."

"Want you to feel good too," Adam said as he started thrusting. His body wanted him to move faster, to get as much of the tight heat as possible around his erection until he came, but his brain wanted to hold on for Mac. He didn't know if it was possible or not, but he was going to try. Mac wrapped his legs around Adam's waist and moved back against his lover, one hand wrapped around his erection for extra sensation. He could tell that Adam was fighting to hold on and wanted to get up to the same level as quickly as he could.

"Getting close, Adam," Mac panted. "Don't hold back for me, if you need to come, then come."

Adam groaned at the words and let his body go. He slumped down onto his lover just as Mac's climax hit, wetness spreading between their bodies. "Wow," Adam managed.

"You did amazing," Mac said, kissing Adam's cheek. "See why I wanted to wait on romance?"

"Yeah, good idea," Adam panted. "Don't think I would have survived."

"It's only going to get better from here, Adam," Mac promised, wrapping his lover in a hug. "When you can move again, we'll go shower. Starting tomorrow, I'll show you more of what we can do together, along with slow and romantic. Just for you."


End file.
